staying for the summer

The general consensus is that I will live in Tulsa this summer. It was a difficult decision for me to make, many things to wrestle with, let go of...hold on to. But, as someone wise has said, I will know when it is time to leave this place...not just Tulsa, but this place I am at in my life, and I just don't know that yet. When I lived in Florida, in most aspects of the phrase, I lived alone. My brother was my roommate, so not COMPLETELY alone, but I struggled struggled struggled to find friendship. I questioned myself, the appeal of being my friend, and all of the whys as to why it was so difficult. In the midst of that, I hoped for season in life akin to exactly where I find myself today. I have a plethora of people in my life that are beginning to embody the essence of community. I am not ready to walk away from this, the potential of what it could be...they deserve more of my time, and I theirs.

And so, living in the midst of a shifting frame of mind is where I have found myself lately. I have had to let go of little hopes and excitements that would have followed the change I had thought was coming so soon, and take hold of, again, what being here for a little more time looks like. It's easy for me to section my life in relation to the natural, earthly seasons, as I am sure it is for most. Spring is here in form, if not yet by calendar days, and that change brings me joy, and brings to mind what will follow. What will follow is more in character like spring than winter, and therefor easier to remember when spring is upon me than when I am in the midst of the dreary bleakness of winter; summer.

Summer is the least of my favored seasons. I love fall with a deep love. I admire winter, and its ability to remind us all what we are able to endure. I heart springs ability to bring us out of that sense of endurance and back into the bliss that is recognized in the bright fuschia flowers that are draping the privacy fence along the alley behind my house. Summer is hot, and sticky, and humid, and forces me find ways to be more comfortable with my body, as it is unnatural and unhealthy to drape myself in thick, covering winter-like clothing in the midst of that hot, sticky heat. Alas, I am at a *season* in life where I am more comfortable with my body. I have lovely people in my life to enjoy the summer with. And so, there is an excitement in me, in regards to summer, that I can't remember ever feeling...My usual dread has been replaced with a child-like hope, and being in the center of a foreign frame of mind, I have the desire to find ways to cultivate these feelings, probably because I fear they will leave unexpectedly. So, with that, for my benefit and your reading pleasure, some of my summer-time goals:

1. To wear more summer dresses. This one is linked directly to the body thing, and the mentality that I can't wear them, even though I love them...their femininity, gracefulness, the sense of peace and confidence that flows from them.

2. To make my own website, with my own name, as I do have a .mac account to aid me in that endeavor.

3. And with that, to write more, and cultivate some kind of confidence in something that brings me so much joy.

4. To elevate my musical knowledge. I am lazy when it comes to this, even though music brings me an incredible amount of joy. I usually depend on others to open my eyes to what is out there, and though that is helpful, it's selfish, and I am selling myself short.

5. To continue to run, and to not forget all of the ways that I am benefited by following through with something difficult that I love.

6. To be in a new job, and not just a job, but a job that I enjoy.

7. To make time to read, and actually finish my winter read before summer begins!

8. To cook more, for the people in my life.

9. To give more, and find ways to be reminded that the world does not revolve around me, and that there are people out there that struggle so just to get out of bed, to eat, to care for their children, to be hopeful...and that there are things I can do to make, as cliche as this sounds, the world a better place.

10. Remember that adventure can be found wherever I am, and with that memory, create those little adventures...like the slice of impromptu basil and tomato and feta pizza I consumed last week, at a table outside with a blackberry izze soda and the bright inescapable sunshine warming my round cheeks.

Summer, you are welcome, at anytime, to begin. I am ready.