Lovely days with warmth and natural yellow sunshine, that break a few gray day streak, bring me back to that really simple place I love to be. Sitting in the company of friends, asking good questions, getting thoughtful answers, with the right song hidden in the midst, seem to be derived from the same place as the previous mentioned scenario. Life will be well regardless of my circumstances, because of the natural yellow days and the reality that I have sincere people sprinkled all throughout story.
I was talking to my roommate last night, over blueberry pancakes, real maple syrup, and brightly colored fresh fruit, about the phenomenon one feels when they have lived in a dark place, and can still remember the feeing of helplessness they felt for so long, if they let themselves go there. It's so far far from who they really are. In that place, they would be practically unrecognizable, if not for the consistency of their physical features. But also, even though they can remember feeling it, the feeling, the reality of it, is completely gone from where they are now. It's hard to put into words. I face that truth even as I type this now. And I love the fact that I have been there, am not there, and do not fear going back. I also love the fact that there are people in my life that can relate to that. That reality makes me feel more known, and selfish as that may be, it's a good feeling.
It's a good thing to sit and type, to remind myself to breathe in the goodness and truth of life, as opposed to the fear of doing things wrong. I forgot to turn off my second alarm from opening yesterday morning, and because of that, I was rudely awoken in the dark by a cheap and annoying travel alarm clock. And as I have talked about before, that disorienting feeling of incoherence brings to the surface more vividly life's fears...What am I doing with my life? I am making all the wrong decisions! All of my options are wrong! I can't trust people! There is no hope for my future! And I have decided that those are not just irrational thoughts. Since I believe that getting up before dark is unGodly, I will also believe that the thoughts that come into my head because of that must come from an evil and dishonest place as well.
It is good to be independent, and to have the freedom to make decisions, and the reality of living with the outcome. As much as I mull over that, I truly enjoy it. And most days, I would say somewhere around three-hundred and seventeen days out of three hundred and sixty-five, I am mostly unphased by the being alone. It helps that I always have been, as I have nothing to judge my present state against. But the past few days, I have had the feeling of wanting to know what it is like to be held. And that is one of the equally sad and equally beautiful truths of life, and choosing to live it. I am happy with me. Really happy. I know what I want, mostly, and what I don't. And so, I cannot live in a way that is not in line with what I know I need, which means it may be a really long time before I know what the former stated desire feels like. It's beautiful because I know myself and wouldn't change things, and it's sad because I can't and don't want to, and in turn, am left to wait.
I am at Shades of Brown sitting next to an older gentleman, somewhere in his seventies, who just pulled out his white macbook and literally leaned down to the table to slurp out of his latte without having to pick up his cup. Life will be well regardless of my circumstances.
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