scribbles in word form

an ode to feeling, and the lack of, leading to feelings of gratitude, the fear of getting it wrong.

We often feel things, feel attached to things, let things move us and keep us from making decisions, or cause us to make decisions. Question: what about that is right? What feelings can be trusted? Is there a central core of truth that we must make decisions by, and let the feelings be just that? If so, is that possible?

All of this to say, lately, I have been pondering intensely what I want out of life. This should come as no surprise to you, if you have read anything that I have posted in the past. But I have not put such a definitive label on it in the past. I have been pondering it because decisions I make about my future have severe and direct consequences, and these consequences make it impossible for me to not wonder if my idealism and sense of adventure are blinding to me, impossible to keep me from wondering if I am getting it all wrong. The reality: I do not know. I will not know if I do not try. There is probably, in the sense of life's journey, no such thing as getting it all wrong, as grace must be factored in...to learn things. I love learning things. A friend wrote these words to me..."I hope you find exactly what you are seeking." This made me, like nothing else, ask myself what I am seeking. And I came to the conclusion that I am in fact seeking what I am seeking...think on that. I honestly do not know where I see myself, but I am not looking for something to fill me. Therefore, I feel as though I am exposing myself to a wider variety of experiences, things I think I may love, so as to make a more confident decision about what I ultimately hope for. In leaving, I am seeking to find out, to get a more clear picture of what it is in life that I am seeking.

To go back to my first sentence...it feels good to be at a place where I am blessed by relationships. Blessed by people that I enjoy. Blessed to know there are people that care about me, that I care about, that I understand, that I can feel understood by, but also, that I can survive without. I have yet to experience the feeling of having someone in my life, past the honeymoon phase, that I believe I cannot live without. And though it may seem selfish and shallow to some, it seems pure to me. It allows me to enjoy the people that are in my life without placing unrealistic expectations upon them. It allows them the freedom to love me without worrying that I will get too attached to their love...the same kind of freedom I gave to Tracy last week as she cut my hair. It allows me to cry tears of gratitude toward my roommates, that they would love me well, and also let me go, without loving me less. It allows me to walk away from my parents, with sadness, for sure, but confidence as well.

I apologize if this is meaningless chatter, or not easily understood, as it is impromptu and less than edited. But such must be the nature of a blog from time to time. And in closing, all this brought to you from a mac book air.