Lovely days with warmth and natural yellow sunshine, that break a few gray day streak, bring me back to that really simple place I love to be. Sitting in the company of friends, asking good questions, getting thoughtful answers, with the right song hidden in the midst, seem to be derived from the same place as the previous mentioned scenario. Life will be well regardless of my circumstances, because of the natural yellow days and the reality that I have sincere people sprinkled all throughout story.
I was talking to my roommate last night, over blueberry pancakes, real maple syrup, and brightly colored fresh fruit, about the phenomenon one feels when they have lived in a dark place, and can still remember the feeing of helplessness they felt for so long, if they let themselves go there. It's so far far from who they really are. In that place, they would be practically unrecognizable, if not for the consistency of their physical features. But also, even though they can remember feeling it, the feeling, the reality of it, is completely gone from where they are now. It's hard to put into words. I face that truth even as I type this now. And I love the fact that I have been there, am not there, and do not fear going back. I also love the fact that there are people in my life that can relate to that. That reality makes me feel more known, and selfish as that may be, it's a good feeling.
It's a good thing to sit and type, to remind myself to breathe in the goodness and truth of life, as opposed to the fear of doing things wrong. I forgot to turn off my second alarm from opening yesterday morning, and because of that, I was rudely awoken in the dark by a cheap and annoying travel alarm clock. And as I have talked about before, that disorienting feeling of incoherence brings to the surface more vividly life's fears...What am I doing with my life? I am making all the wrong decisions! All of my options are wrong! I can't trust people! There is no hope for my future! And I have decided that those are not just irrational thoughts. Since I believe that getting up before dark is unGodly, I will also believe that the thoughts that come into my head because of that must come from an evil and dishonest place as well.
It is good to be independent, and to have the freedom to make decisions, and the reality of living with the outcome. As much as I mull over that, I truly enjoy it. And most days, I would say somewhere around three-hundred and seventeen days out of three hundred and sixty-five, I am mostly unphased by the being alone. It helps that I always have been, as I have nothing to judge my present state against. But the past few days, I have had the feeling of wanting to know what it is like to be held. And that is one of the equally sad and equally beautiful truths of life, and choosing to live it. I am happy with me. Really happy. I know what I want, mostly, and what I don't. And so, I cannot live in a way that is not in line with what I know I need, which means it may be a really long time before I know what the former stated desire feels like. It's beautiful because I know myself and wouldn't change things, and it's sad because I can't and don't want to, and in turn, am left to wait.
I am at Shades of Brown sitting next to an older gentleman, somewhere in his seventies, who just pulled out his white macbook and literally leaned down to the table to slurp out of his latte without having to pick up his cup. Life will be well regardless of my circumstances.
Friday, February 29, 2008
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Sharp curves in the road.
I am here in my living room, on the internet, typing on my black macbook. Not air. I have been going through emails and deleting some I have held onto, because I like to let go of things. It's cathartic. And I found this email that I had sent to myself to save something I wrote. It's not good. That's not why I am posting it. I am posting it because of sentence eight. You can read through and try to figure out which sentence is sentence eight, or I can just tell you. Sentence eight: "I have in my head the way the rest of my years will likely look, though that usually doesn't end up happening, and I welcome sharp curves in the road." You can read the rest below, but don't feel guilty about skipping over it. I am moving onto the third paragraph.
"I would like a jet and a pilots license and enough money for fuel so that I could jump on it and escape on those days where I don't relly want to face the realty of me and would rather pretend or live vicariously through someone somewhere exotic...oh, and also, I would like to be able to visit the people I love on a whim...I will not work for someone else the rest of my life. I don't think it makes a lot of sense to have to ask someone elses permission to visit family when they are in need, and "the company's well being or funcionability in my absense" matters little to me...it's just paper (insert desired company product) and climbing someone elses ladder is entirely unappetizing. That's just me. I appreciate my family the farther along in this journey I go. I remember people telling me that is what happens when you get older, but I though I would bypass that step. The idea of family and what it has the potential to be is pretty incredible. This year has flown by faster than any of my life. I have in my head the way the rest of my years will likely look, though that usually doesn't end up happening, and I welcome sharp curves in the road...I have never been comfortable referring to other girls as "girlie" or "chick-a-dee" or "darlin" or "cutie" and I never really needed another girl to go to the bathroom with me."
Eek! I am not going to elaborate too much on this, but I have been wavering. And I think too often about what I will possibly regret in regards to what choices I make for my future, regardless of what I choose. And the point of all of the above is that I said, on September the ninth of two-thousand and six, that I welcome "sharp curves in the road". And I did indeed say that. And the possibility that I am pursuing would definitely be considered a sharp curve in the road. My sincere thought is that it is unlikely I will be able to say with confidence that I made the RiGht decision until much further down the road, when I look back and have meaningful, live giving, mind challenging, experiences to draw from. And that is the reality I face.
"I would like a jet and a pilots license and enough money for fuel so that I could jump on it and escape on those days where I don't relly want to face the realty of me and would rather pretend or live vicariously through someone somewhere exotic...oh, and also, I would like to be able to visit the people I love on a whim...I will not work for someone else the rest of my life. I don't think it makes a lot of sense to have to ask someone elses permission to visit family when they are in need, and "the company's well being or funcionability in my absense" matters little to me...it's just paper (insert desired company product) and climbing someone elses ladder is entirely unappetizing. That's just me. I appreciate my family the farther along in this journey I go. I remember people telling me that is what happens when you get older, but I though I would bypass that step. The idea of family and what it has the potential to be is pretty incredible. This year has flown by faster than any of my life. I have in my head the way the rest of my years will likely look, though that usually doesn't end up happening, and I welcome sharp curves in the road...I have never been comfortable referring to other girls as "girlie" or "chick-a-dee" or "darlin" or "cutie" and I never really needed another girl to go to the bathroom with me."
Eek! I am not going to elaborate too much on this, but I have been wavering. And I think too often about what I will possibly regret in regards to what choices I make for my future, regardless of what I choose. And the point of all of the above is that I said, on September the ninth of two-thousand and six, that I welcome "sharp curves in the road". And I did indeed say that. And the possibility that I am pursuing would definitely be considered a sharp curve in the road. My sincere thought is that it is unlikely I will be able to say with confidence that I made the RiGht decision until much further down the road, when I look back and have meaningful, live giving, mind challenging, experiences to draw from. And that is the reality I face.
Sunday, February 24, 2008
a day of rest
2. Saturday: make coffee, 5:30am-2pm
3. Sunday: help people, 11:45am-6pm
4. Monday: make coffee, 3pm-11:30pm
5. Tuesday: help people, 9:45am-5pm; make coffee, 7pm-11:30pm
6. Wednesday: help people, 9:45am-5pm; make coffee, 6:30pm-11:30pm
7. Thursday: make coffee, 1:30pm-6pm
8. Friday: make coffee, 5am-11am; help people, 5pm-9pm
9. Saturday: make coffee on anniversary of the day of my birth, 11am-2pm
10.Sunday: help people, 11:45am-6pm
11.Monday: make coffee, 3pm-11:30pm
12.Tuesday: make coffee, 4pm-11:30pm
13.Wednesday: make coffee, 8am-1:30pm
14.Thursday: make coffee, 3:30pm-11:30pm
15.Friday: make coffee, 11am-4pm; help people, 5pm-9pm
16.Saturday: make coffee, 5:30am-2pm
17.Sunday: much welcomed interruption from regular daily life.
18.Monday: could be referred to as a mini-vacation.
19.Tuesday: in an ideal climate; backdrop: big texas sky (see picture to the right).
20.Wednesday: refreshing, rejuvenating, restorative.
21.Thursday: make coffee, 7am-3:30pm
22.Friday: make coffee, 5am-1:30pm; nap; help people, 4pm-8pm
23.Saturday: make coffee, 5:30am-2pm
24.Sunday: eat breakfast prepared by parents. my dad is the pancake pro. Lay on the couch, covered by a blanket, the majority of the day. watch multiple episodes of LOST in a row. eat chips and ice cream and drink root beer. lay on the couch more. eat a tunafish sandwich prepared for me by my father. mindlessly distract myself with the internet. nap. not work. on Sundays. anymore.
Sunday. my favorite day of the week, returning to me in its' purest form, now that the second job has come to an end. Mantra: "don't do anything I don't want to do." Took the time to type out the above schedule simply to illustrate the joy that is residing in my heart on a day like today...how difficult it has been to attain a day like today in my most recent season...how spectacular it is. must return to the couch.
future post, post oscars: my thoughts on the winners! Oscar night! woo hoo!
3. Sunday: help people, 11:45am-6pm
4. Monday: make coffee, 3pm-11:30pm
5. Tuesday: help people, 9:45am-5pm; make coffee, 7pm-11:30pm
6. Wednesday: help people, 9:45am-5pm; make coffee, 6:30pm-11:30pm
7. Thursday: make coffee, 1:30pm-6pm
8. Friday: make coffee, 5am-11am; help people, 5pm-9pm
9. Saturday: make coffee on anniversary of the day of my birth, 11am-2pm
10.Sunday: help people, 11:45am-6pm
11.Monday: make coffee, 3pm-11:30pm
12.Tuesday: make coffee, 4pm-11:30pm
13.Wednesday: make coffee, 8am-1:30pm
14.Thursday: make coffee, 3:30pm-11:30pm
15.Friday: make coffee, 11am-4pm; help people, 5pm-9pm
16.Saturday: make coffee, 5:30am-2pm
17.Sunday: much welcomed interruption from regular daily life.
18.Monday: could be referred to as a mini-vacation.
19.Tuesday: in an ideal climate; backdrop: big texas sky (see picture to the right).
20.Wednesday: refreshing, rejuvenating, restorative.
21.Thursday: make coffee, 7am-3:30pm
22.Friday: make coffee, 5am-1:30pm; nap; help people, 4pm-8pm
23.Saturday: make coffee, 5:30am-2pm
24.Sunday: eat breakfast prepared by parents. my dad is the pancake pro. Lay on the couch, covered by a blanket, the majority of the day. watch multiple episodes of LOST in a row. eat chips and ice cream and drink root beer. lay on the couch more. eat a tunafish sandwich prepared for me by my father. mindlessly distract myself with the internet. nap. not work. on Sundays. anymore.
Sunday. my favorite day of the week, returning to me in its' purest form, now that the second job has come to an end. Mantra: "don't do anything I don't want to do." Took the time to type out the above schedule simply to illustrate the joy that is residing in my heart on a day like today...how difficult it has been to attain a day like today in my most recent season...how spectacular it is. must return to the couch.
future post, post oscars: my thoughts on the winners! Oscar night! woo hoo!
Friday, February 22, 2008
ending things.
opened today at the coffee place. late again. eight hour shift at starbucks over. sitting in front of computer at apple, scarfing down a chick-fil-a chicken sandwich on a fifteen minute break. last day I will ever work the two jobs together again. have no regrets. love that feeling. hope it continues.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
scribbles in word form
an ode to feeling, and the lack of, leading to feelings of gratitude, the fear of getting it wrong.
We often feel things, feel attached to things, let things move us and keep us from making decisions, or cause us to make decisions. Question: what about that is right? What feelings can be trusted? Is there a central core of truth that we must make decisions by, and let the feelings be just that? If so, is that possible?
All of this to say, lately, I have been pondering intensely what I want out of life. This should come as no surprise to you, if you have read anything that I have posted in the past. But I have not put such a definitive label on it in the past. I have been pondering it because decisions I make about my future have severe and direct consequences, and these consequences make it impossible for me to not wonder if my idealism and sense of adventure are blinding to me, impossible to keep me from wondering if I am getting it all wrong. The reality: I do not know. I will not know if I do not try. There is probably, in the sense of life's journey, no such thing as getting it all wrong, as grace must be factored in...to learn things. I love learning things. A friend wrote these words to me..."I hope you find exactly what you are seeking." This made me, like nothing else, ask myself what I am seeking. And I came to the conclusion that I am in fact seeking what I am seeking...think on that. I honestly do not know where I see myself, but I am not looking for something to fill me. Therefore, I feel as though I am exposing myself to a wider variety of experiences, things I think I may love, so as to make a more confident decision about what I ultimately hope for. In leaving, I am seeking to find out, to get a more clear picture of what it is in life that I am seeking.
To go back to my first sentence...it feels good to be at a place where I am blessed by relationships. Blessed by people that I enjoy. Blessed to know there are people that care about me, that I care about, that I understand, that I can feel understood by, but also, that I can survive without. I have yet to experience the feeling of having someone in my life, past the honeymoon phase, that I believe I cannot live without. And though it may seem selfish and shallow to some, it seems pure to me. It allows me to enjoy the people that are in my life without placing unrealistic expectations upon them. It allows them the freedom to love me without worrying that I will get too attached to their love...the same kind of freedom I gave to Tracy last week as she cut my hair. It allows me to cry tears of gratitude toward my roommates, that they would love me well, and also let me go, without loving me less. It allows me to walk away from my parents, with sadness, for sure, but confidence as well.
I apologize if this is meaningless chatter, or not easily understood, as it is impromptu and less than edited. But such must be the nature of a blog from time to time. And in closing, all this brought to you from a mac book air.
We often feel things, feel attached to things, let things move us and keep us from making decisions, or cause us to make decisions. Question: what about that is right? What feelings can be trusted? Is there a central core of truth that we must make decisions by, and let the feelings be just that? If so, is that possible?
All of this to say, lately, I have been pondering intensely what I want out of life. This should come as no surprise to you, if you have read anything that I have posted in the past. But I have not put such a definitive label on it in the past. I have been pondering it because decisions I make about my future have severe and direct consequences, and these consequences make it impossible for me to not wonder if my idealism and sense of adventure are blinding to me, impossible to keep me from wondering if I am getting it all wrong. The reality: I do not know. I will not know if I do not try. There is probably, in the sense of life's journey, no such thing as getting it all wrong, as grace must be factored in...to learn things. I love learning things. A friend wrote these words to me..."I hope you find exactly what you are seeking." This made me, like nothing else, ask myself what I am seeking. And I came to the conclusion that I am in fact seeking what I am seeking...think on that. I honestly do not know where I see myself, but I am not looking for something to fill me. Therefore, I feel as though I am exposing myself to a wider variety of experiences, things I think I may love, so as to make a more confident decision about what I ultimately hope for. In leaving, I am seeking to find out, to get a more clear picture of what it is in life that I am seeking.
To go back to my first sentence...it feels good to be at a place where I am blessed by relationships. Blessed by people that I enjoy. Blessed to know there are people that care about me, that I care about, that I understand, that I can feel understood by, but also, that I can survive without. I have yet to experience the feeling of having someone in my life, past the honeymoon phase, that I believe I cannot live without. And though it may seem selfish and shallow to some, it seems pure to me. It allows me to enjoy the people that are in my life without placing unrealistic expectations upon them. It allows them the freedom to love me without worrying that I will get too attached to their love...the same kind of freedom I gave to Tracy last week as she cut my hair. It allows me to cry tears of gratitude toward my roommates, that they would love me well, and also let me go, without loving me less. It allows me to walk away from my parents, with sadness, for sure, but confidence as well.
I apologize if this is meaningless chatter, or not easily understood, as it is impromptu and less than edited. But such must be the nature of a blog from time to time. And in closing, all this brought to you from a mac book air.
Friday, February 15, 2008
in dispose
A random not-lengthy post to get me through the rest of the evening, much like the superfood I just purchased.
Cold cold cold outside. And Gray.
Day fourteen of the fifteen day streak...it's so close to coming to a close.
Staying up late tonight to watch a movie (after work) I have been wanting to see with someone I enjoy watching movies with, placing me in bed somewhere around one in the morning.
Alarm will go off at around five the same morning so that Starbucks can open at six.
Will take a nap, inevitably, tomorrow afternoon.
Laundry has already been completed for my trip. Half of the x has been marked through Friday, inching my one week countdown so very close to completion.
Kashi honey almond flax bar has been consumed. Empty wrapper sitting next to my left hand as I type, inside foil reflecting the bright white lights that signify which employer I am about to clock in for.
Glad said job is ending. Will miss the people. Not the work. Or the hours. Or the position. Or the reality of two jobs. At all.
Must do it now, however.
Cold cold cold outside. And Gray.
Day fourteen of the fifteen day streak...it's so close to coming to a close.
Staying up late tonight to watch a movie (after work) I have been wanting to see with someone I enjoy watching movies with, placing me in bed somewhere around one in the morning.
Alarm will go off at around five the same morning so that Starbucks can open at six.
Will take a nap, inevitably, tomorrow afternoon.
Laundry has already been completed for my trip. Half of the x has been marked through Friday, inching my one week countdown so very close to completion.
Kashi honey almond flax bar has been consumed. Empty wrapper sitting next to my left hand as I type, inside foil reflecting the bright white lights that signify which employer I am about to clock in for.
Glad said job is ending. Will miss the people. Not the work. Or the hours. Or the position. Or the reality of two jobs. At all.
Must do it now, however.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
here's the thing
I have been thinking lately that this blog is me being self-indulgent and narcissistic, and that's ok, because no one has to read it. I write it mostly for me, so I don't have to feel guilty about writing too much about me. Just a thought.
Today is one of those days. I feel like writing, I feel like typing, but I have too many things to say and the thought of trying to make sense of them all, of trying to incorporate them in one post, is dauting, and so I feel the need to write and I feel as though it's a burden all in the same emotional cycle. And these are the moments in life that, I believe, I should push through...and do it anyway. And so, in the closing sentence to this paragraph, my assurance that this will not be the last paragraph in this post.
As I sat down to write today, I vaguely remembered writing something around about the time of february the 14th last year, and so I looked it up...and had one of those moments in life that I really love, of looking back at where I was, and thinking of what I was thinking when I wrote something, and wondering what I would have thought if I would have had the ability to access what I think now. It is a lovely thing, I think, because of my tendency to be my worst critic...when I look back, I am able to put those criticisms aside. I look back with fondness, at who I was and what I didn't know, and I feel happy for myself for struggling through things, and it reminds me to be kinder to myself today.
I have many thoughts of Valentine's Day. I have many opinions, biased, for sure. I have a lot to say about the holiday and the way it affects people, and relationships and its supposed meaning, and what it can be turned into, and the good that can come from it and the bad that is often the outcome of it. They are not completely encompassed in bitterness. If you would have asked me three or so years ago, my thoughts would have been (that goes back to the previous paragraph, of looking back at the way I used to feel about things and the reality that those feelings change and grow and morph), but today, the thoughts are encompassed in a relative amount of peace. And all that to say, I have a lot to say. But, I don't want to litter this post with those thoughts. So that's all I am going to say, today, about Valentine's Day.
I am forming a post about motherhood. I debated going there today, but these words deserve their own space. I had the thoguht the other day that I really should take the time to sit and write about it, while standing in Starbucks, building a caramel latte, because there was a lot of inspiration in front of me. Not the latte. A mother with her two little ones...the boy that is quiet and shy and his sister, that talks enough for the three of them. This is something I have a lot to say about as well, and something I don't mind littering a post with. A significant portion of the inspiration comes from my cafe friend Kara, the mother of Ella and Olivia and Savanah and Emerson. My heart swells when I type out those four lovely little names, and I can't think of any other way to convey to you their significance in my life's story. And so that is a snippet of what is to come, a little trailor, if you will.
This paragraph will have nothing to do with anything else...just so you know. Just a piece of the practiclity of my life, coupled with sheer joy and excitement. Today is day thirteen of a fifteen day working streak. Not a complaint, just a necessary detail. I have had two days of in a row probably twice in the last four or so months. And on Sunday (eek!) I will be going to an airport, something I love to do, and getting on a plane and flying, something else I love to do, to visit a friend, something else I really love to do, in the midst of four...that's right...four days off, in a row, back to back, consecutively. I would say the feeling are akin to the way I felt at about the age of nine on Christmas eve.
And in keeping with the trend of going in no particular direction in this post, I will say a tiny bit about my person, and change. I had a hair appointment yesterday with Tracy. Time between hair appointments usually lingers for me, mostly because I don't like paying for them. Not because I don't like them. Quite the opposite, actually. I really, really enjoy changing my hair's shape into something else. After being seated, cape applied, I told Tracy, who had never cut my hair before, to basically have fun...the sentence went something along the lines of..."I am not too picky becasue it is hair and it will grow and I like things that are different and I trust you and believe you know what you are doing, so basically, have fun..." Those, my friends, are golden words to a hair stylist. They are allowed to do what they do best, without constraint, and giving her the freedom to create without worry made whatever the outcome worth it. And as she began, with razor in hand, and I felt her taking chunks of the length of my brown hair away, I started to get excited and admitedly a little nervous, and because of that nervousness, a little more excited. I told her that hearing and feeling her taking my hair away, and the thrill of knowing there is no turning back now, made my heart skip...and those little moments in life that are seemingly insignificant, but that actually bring to light pieces of the core of me, are actually incredibly significant. Put simply, it makes me happy that I am choosing to live the way that I am choosing to live.
Doubt? check. Sadness? check. Nervousness? check. Occasional random squeals of excitement? absolutely.
Today is one of those days. I feel like writing, I feel like typing, but I have too many things to say and the thought of trying to make sense of them all, of trying to incorporate them in one post, is dauting, and so I feel the need to write and I feel as though it's a burden all in the same emotional cycle. And these are the moments in life that, I believe, I should push through...and do it anyway. And so, in the closing sentence to this paragraph, my assurance that this will not be the last paragraph in this post.
As I sat down to write today, I vaguely remembered writing something around about the time of february the 14th last year, and so I looked it up...and had one of those moments in life that I really love, of looking back at where I was, and thinking of what I was thinking when I wrote something, and wondering what I would have thought if I would have had the ability to access what I think now. It is a lovely thing, I think, because of my tendency to be my worst critic...when I look back, I am able to put those criticisms aside. I look back with fondness, at who I was and what I didn't know, and I feel happy for myself for struggling through things, and it reminds me to be kinder to myself today.
I have many thoughts of Valentine's Day. I have many opinions, biased, for sure. I have a lot to say about the holiday and the way it affects people, and relationships and its supposed meaning, and what it can be turned into, and the good that can come from it and the bad that is often the outcome of it. They are not completely encompassed in bitterness. If you would have asked me three or so years ago, my thoughts would have been (that goes back to the previous paragraph, of looking back at the way I used to feel about things and the reality that those feelings change and grow and morph), but today, the thoughts are encompassed in a relative amount of peace. And all that to say, I have a lot to say. But, I don't want to litter this post with those thoughts. So that's all I am going to say, today, about Valentine's Day.
I am forming a post about motherhood. I debated going there today, but these words deserve their own space. I had the thoguht the other day that I really should take the time to sit and write about it, while standing in Starbucks, building a caramel latte, because there was a lot of inspiration in front of me. Not the latte. A mother with her two little ones...the boy that is quiet and shy and his sister, that talks enough for the three of them. This is something I have a lot to say about as well, and something I don't mind littering a post with. A significant portion of the inspiration comes from my cafe friend Kara, the mother of Ella and Olivia and Savanah and Emerson. My heart swells when I type out those four lovely little names, and I can't think of any other way to convey to you their significance in my life's story. And so that is a snippet of what is to come, a little trailor, if you will.
This paragraph will have nothing to do with anything else...just so you know. Just a piece of the practiclity of my life, coupled with sheer joy and excitement. Today is day thirteen of a fifteen day working streak. Not a complaint, just a necessary detail. I have had two days of in a row probably twice in the last four or so months. And on Sunday (eek!) I will be going to an airport, something I love to do, and getting on a plane and flying, something else I love to do, to visit a friend, something else I really love to do, in the midst of four...that's right...four days off, in a row, back to back, consecutively. I would say the feeling are akin to the way I felt at about the age of nine on Christmas eve.
And in keeping with the trend of going in no particular direction in this post, I will say a tiny bit about my person, and change. I had a hair appointment yesterday with Tracy. Time between hair appointments usually lingers for me, mostly because I don't like paying for them. Not because I don't like them. Quite the opposite, actually. I really, really enjoy changing my hair's shape into something else. After being seated, cape applied, I told Tracy, who had never cut my hair before, to basically have fun...the sentence went something along the lines of..."I am not too picky becasue it is hair and it will grow and I like things that are different and I trust you and believe you know what you are doing, so basically, have fun..." Those, my friends, are golden words to a hair stylist. They are allowed to do what they do best, without constraint, and giving her the freedom to create without worry made whatever the outcome worth it. And as she began, with razor in hand, and I felt her taking chunks of the length of my brown hair away, I started to get excited and admitedly a little nervous, and because of that nervousness, a little more excited. I told her that hearing and feeling her taking my hair away, and the thrill of knowing there is no turning back now, made my heart skip...and those little moments in life that are seemingly insignificant, but that actually bring to light pieces of the core of me, are actually incredibly significant. Put simply, it makes me happy that I am choosing to live the way that I am choosing to live.
Doubt? check. Sadness? check. Nervousness? check. Occasional random squeals of excitement? absolutely.
Sunday, February 10, 2008
her twenty-fifth year
Saturday.
It was my twenty-fifth birthday.
And for me, that's kind of a big deal.
I find real pleasure in typing out numbers as opposed to just typing two digits.
I do not tend to think ahead on a regular basis. And when I do think ahead, I usually brush any thought of action aside. My Friday evening: driving down the road, heading from seventy-first and memorial to third and harvard, quite a distance in Tulsa terms, looking at my gas gauge light up, knowing I could very easily run out of stated fuel at any moment. Interesting points that make up the context of the no gas story: I have two dollars in my pocket, I lost my debit card and am awaiting its replacement in the mail, and the banks are closed as it is about nine-thirty in the evening. The moral of the story is that I knew I was low on gas, I knew I could have gone to the bank before my five pm shift at the amazingly wonderful woodland hills mall, to withdraw money for the nearly empty fuel tank. I actually pondered this at some point between jobs. But I wanted to take a nap more and I didn't want to give up any time of that coveted sleep. So I decided to take the chance. And I made it home. Not to say that I recommend this, or think I made the right decision. It was irresponsible. And that to say, I thought ahead and brushed action aside.
About my twenty-fifth birthday, I didn't think about it too much ahead. It just hit me, around the eighth of February that I would be twenty-five the next day, a quarter of a century, antique, if I was a car. And not to make that statement that I am getting so old. I know I am still young, and that the majority of the population is older than I am. But, in the scope of the decade that I am in, not being in my early twenties any more is a huge relief. I didn't enjoy most of those years, as a whole. There are huge pieces of my past that I have truly found freedom from, things and habits and psychological and emotional constraints that I have let go of, waved good-bye to. And that, I think, is why this birthday was, why this year is, significant for me. Because it is the first whole year of my life that I can say this truth is true for me. Not to say that there will not be difficulty ahead. Because of the way life works out, there will inevitably be difficulties. But they are a different kind of difficulties...the kind that exist, but don't have to affect my core, which is where the past difficulties used to reside. And I am making conscious choices to put myself in challenging situations, because I don't have to be afraid of them, and that freedom is what makes my twenty-five so very smashing. Because it is encircled in previous stated freedom, the kind I used to desperately hope for, the kind I believed could be true, the kind I am exceptionally thankful to have. Enveloped in that reality, it feels really, really good to be this twenty-five.
One of the coolest parts of it all is that I don't understand and cannot explain the goodness that surrounds me. I have never been able to explain to myself why I am blessed with so many good people. I am selfish, and forgetful, and complicated, often too much. I forget birthdays, neglect to call. This is not a paragraph of self-deprecation. I am not looking for sympathy. I am just trying to type out the beauty of being blessed with good, real, honest people in my life in light of the fact that I don't understand, can't explain, why. That's all. During this journey I am on, of finding the courage to be honest, battling the tendency to be too hard on myself, making the decision to take risks and not be held back by fear, letting go of the reality that I actually cannot be perfect or everything to everyone, becoming more of the person I am meant to be...to have good, real, honest people to walk through all of that with is...more than words can say, it's living in community, even if we aren't in the same zip code, it's being not alone, and believing that...it's invaluable.
Cheers to what I believe will be a really spectacular year.
It was my twenty-fifth birthday.
And for me, that's kind of a big deal.
I find real pleasure in typing out numbers as opposed to just typing two digits.
I do not tend to think ahead on a regular basis. And when I do think ahead, I usually brush any thought of action aside. My Friday evening: driving down the road, heading from seventy-first and memorial to third and harvard, quite a distance in Tulsa terms, looking at my gas gauge light up, knowing I could very easily run out of stated fuel at any moment. Interesting points that make up the context of the no gas story: I have two dollars in my pocket, I lost my debit card and am awaiting its replacement in the mail, and the banks are closed as it is about nine-thirty in the evening. The moral of the story is that I knew I was low on gas, I knew I could have gone to the bank before my five pm shift at the amazingly wonderful woodland hills mall, to withdraw money for the nearly empty fuel tank. I actually pondered this at some point between jobs. But I wanted to take a nap more and I didn't want to give up any time of that coveted sleep. So I decided to take the chance. And I made it home. Not to say that I recommend this, or think I made the right decision. It was irresponsible. And that to say, I thought ahead and brushed action aside.
About my twenty-fifth birthday, I didn't think about it too much ahead. It just hit me, around the eighth of February that I would be twenty-five the next day, a quarter of a century, antique, if I was a car. And not to make that statement that I am getting so old. I know I am still young, and that the majority of the population is older than I am. But, in the scope of the decade that I am in, not being in my early twenties any more is a huge relief. I didn't enjoy most of those years, as a whole. There are huge pieces of my past that I have truly found freedom from, things and habits and psychological and emotional constraints that I have let go of, waved good-bye to. And that, I think, is why this birthday was, why this year is, significant for me. Because it is the first whole year of my life that I can say this truth is true for me. Not to say that there will not be difficulty ahead. Because of the way life works out, there will inevitably be difficulties. But they are a different kind of difficulties...the kind that exist, but don't have to affect my core, which is where the past difficulties used to reside. And I am making conscious choices to put myself in challenging situations, because I don't have to be afraid of them, and that freedom is what makes my twenty-five so very smashing. Because it is encircled in previous stated freedom, the kind I used to desperately hope for, the kind I believed could be true, the kind I am exceptionally thankful to have. Enveloped in that reality, it feels really, really good to be this twenty-five.
One of the coolest parts of it all is that I don't understand and cannot explain the goodness that surrounds me. I have never been able to explain to myself why I am blessed with so many good people. I am selfish, and forgetful, and complicated, often too much. I forget birthdays, neglect to call. This is not a paragraph of self-deprecation. I am not looking for sympathy. I am just trying to type out the beauty of being blessed with good, real, honest people in my life in light of the fact that I don't understand, can't explain, why. That's all. During this journey I am on, of finding the courage to be honest, battling the tendency to be too hard on myself, making the decision to take risks and not be held back by fear, letting go of the reality that I actually cannot be perfect or everything to everyone, becoming more of the person I am meant to be...to have good, real, honest people to walk through all of that with is...more than words can say, it's living in community, even if we aren't in the same zip code, it's being not alone, and believing that...it's invaluable.
Cheers to what I believe will be a really spectacular year.
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
Stupid Tuesday
My few thoughts on Super Tuesday, and the flawed fact that we as a country allow a population of idiots to elect the person that leads us. We should not be responsible for ourselves.
From an interview on NPR this morning, in regards to the husband and wife both voting for Hillary:
Husband: "well, she spent 8 years in the white house with Bill, and we had it pretty good."
Wife: "i think it's a chance to make history...put a woman in the white house."
I didn't capitalize "I" in the woman's sentence because I am assuming that she is also unaware of proper grammar.
Point #1: Hillary was NOT the president in the White House, she was the First Lady. And she is NOT Bill. So you don't vote on her because of the 8 years that she spent as the wife of the president! Hell, let's all just throw the candidates out and elect Nancy Reagan.
Point #2: You DON"T vote on a candidate just because of their sex. There are a lot of opportunities to make history. That doesn't mean we take them just becasue they will make history. We have never had an actual chimpanzee running the country. That would certainly make history. Based on the logic of the lovely couple, we should have Nancy Reagan as president and a chimpanzee as her running mate...someone who was in the white house for eight years when we "had it pretty good" and someone that woud allow us to "make history". Or, what about the chef that cooked meals for Bill all those 8 years. He probably has something good to say.
This is not an opposition post to Hillary. I think she is quite capable, and wouldn't consider it a tragedy if she was elected. It is an opposition post to the people that come up with StUpId reasons to vote for someone.
For a positive spin, the good news is that children can rise above their parents' stupidity. The son of the lovely couple voted for Obama.
From an interview on NPR this morning, in regards to the husband and wife both voting for Hillary:
Husband: "well, she spent 8 years in the white house with Bill, and we had it pretty good."
Wife: "i think it's a chance to make history...put a woman in the white house."
I didn't capitalize "I" in the woman's sentence because I am assuming that she is also unaware of proper grammar.
Point #1: Hillary was NOT the president in the White House, she was the First Lady. And she is NOT Bill. So you don't vote on her because of the 8 years that she spent as the wife of the president! Hell, let's all just throw the candidates out and elect Nancy Reagan.
Point #2: You DON"T vote on a candidate just because of their sex. There are a lot of opportunities to make history. That doesn't mean we take them just becasue they will make history. We have never had an actual chimpanzee running the country. That would certainly make history. Based on the logic of the lovely couple, we should have Nancy Reagan as president and a chimpanzee as her running mate...someone who was in the white house for eight years when we "had it pretty good" and someone that woud allow us to "make history". Or, what about the chef that cooked meals for Bill all those 8 years. He probably has something good to say.
This is not an opposition post to Hillary. I think she is quite capable, and wouldn't consider it a tragedy if she was elected. It is an opposition post to the people that come up with StUpId reasons to vote for someone.
For a positive spin, the good news is that children can rise above their parents' stupidity. The son of the lovely couple voted for Obama.
Monday, February 4, 2008
orderlessness
In celebration of (one of) my roommates’ birthday (that is actually today), I ate Indian food on Saturday...(thought much of you, the Fila's, if you're reading this)...and it was amazingly delicious. I nearly cried. And I went glow bowling. Is there a combination of activities that surpasses the greatness of
Indian food and glow bowling? I do not think so. I had no idea. And so, to document this evening, and in celebration of Tonia's loveliness, my thoughts and takings from a night of fun...some that were jotted down on the very chairs that my bum sat on during our bowling fun, while wearing the timelessly fashionable bowling shoes, with glowing white shoe strings. I am also going to divide my sentences with a semi-colon, even though the semi-colon is not grammatically correct. It is a choice to go against the grammatical constraints set on me by the English language, and because strings of semi-coloned sentences have shown themselves to me, and I have determined that they are good.
Writing on paper being lit by a black light is one of my new favorite things; bowling while listening to sexy back (by justin timerlake) - no words; the life of tonia, the love and acceptance that emanates from her, makes wanting her to be a part of my life inevitable; low point of the evening - the obnoxious interpretive dancing I was doing to ice ice baby (by vanilla ice) that caused my arm to fly into Tonia's margarita and nearly knock it out of her hand, leaving approximately three ounces of tequila and lime and simple syrup on the bowling alley floor; higher point was bowling a spare the last frame of my game, gaining me another bowl, in which I bowled my one and only strike of the evening; lingering low point(s) was/were the curry flavored burp(s) that happened more frequently that I would have liked;
And for a change, the periods will return. Because I have an innate need to be understood, which is probably why I tend to be wordy and thorough, and fail to answer simple questions with simple answers, I will tell you of what is new, situationally, in my life. My last day at apple is the 24th. I have officially sold the computer that I am typing on now for a sum of money to my roommate tonia so that I can purchase a macbook, something wonderful I can take away from my time at apple. my car has been paid off, meaning that the only bill I shall have to pay after leaving the country will be my student loan payment. my dog ran away, last month, meaning I have nothing that breathes to take care of other than myself. Sadness surrounding her departure, but perhaps it is one of those crazy sad selfishly convenient events that was, and this is something I do not type with confidence, meant to be. It is my plan in life to move to Korea around the month of May to teach English, to (more than likely) Korean children...something I have alluded to in previous posts but not actually typed out. My passport came in the mail last week. Still feverishly searching for my college diploma. Please appeal to God on my behalf that I find it.
I had a few situations this weekend that brought to the surface the things I wil be leaving behind. I started to type them out, but they were too sappy. So I erased it. And instead, I will say, I am leaving behind a lot of really great people, in the physical sense. But to say that I am taking them out of my life would be a lie, and without them, their support, I would not have the confidence and drive to make such a life altering decision. And when I sit and think about the possibilities of what my life will look like in a few months time, challenges included, I get really excited. And if I was leaving a season for a new one, and had nothing to be sad about, that is where real sadness would reside. Enough about that. Hooray to moving forward in life, to change, and to being challenged, and hooray to always having amazing people in my life, regardless of my zip code. And hooray to closed chapters and possibilities, because of the reality that things don't always work out in the ways we had hoped they would, and yet we can still go on living, fully.
And I will say...this does not have to make sense to you, the reader. But despite of how wonderful last week was, despite all of the great times I had, and all of the wonderful relationships I will be leaving behind in the physical, it honestly felt like one of the longest weeks of my life.
In closing, for you, a quote...hope it greets your soul in the same way that it greeted mine...
"It was a fine autumn day, really, and the air through the open windows smelled like life."
Jesse Ball
Indian food and glow bowling? I do not think so. I had no idea. And so, to document this evening, and in celebration of Tonia's loveliness, my thoughts and takings from a night of fun...some that were jotted down on the very chairs that my bum sat on during our bowling fun, while wearing the timelessly fashionable bowling shoes, with glowing white shoe strings. I am also going to divide my sentences with a semi-colon, even though the semi-colon is not grammatically correct. It is a choice to go against the grammatical constraints set on me by the English language, and because strings of semi-coloned sentences have shown themselves to me, and I have determined that they are good.
Writing on paper being lit by a black light is one of my new favorite things; bowling while listening to sexy back (by justin timerlake) - no words; the life of tonia, the love and acceptance that emanates from her, makes wanting her to be a part of my life inevitable; low point of the evening - the obnoxious interpretive dancing I was doing to ice ice baby (by vanilla ice) that caused my arm to fly into Tonia's margarita and nearly knock it out of her hand, leaving approximately three ounces of tequila and lime and simple syrup on the bowling alley floor; higher point was bowling a spare the last frame of my game, gaining me another bowl, in which I bowled my one and only strike of the evening; lingering low point(s) was/were the curry flavored burp(s) that happened more frequently that I would have liked;
And for a change, the periods will return. Because I have an innate need to be understood, which is probably why I tend to be wordy and thorough, and fail to answer simple questions with simple answers, I will tell you of what is new, situationally, in my life. My last day at apple is the 24th. I have officially sold the computer that I am typing on now for a sum of money to my roommate tonia so that I can purchase a macbook, something wonderful I can take away from my time at apple. my car has been paid off, meaning that the only bill I shall have to pay after leaving the country will be my student loan payment. my dog ran away, last month, meaning I have nothing that breathes to take care of other than myself. Sadness surrounding her departure, but perhaps it is one of those crazy sad selfishly convenient events that was, and this is something I do not type with confidence, meant to be. It is my plan in life to move to Korea around the month of May to teach English, to (more than likely) Korean children...something I have alluded to in previous posts but not actually typed out. My passport came in the mail last week. Still feverishly searching for my college diploma. Please appeal to God on my behalf that I find it.
I had a few situations this weekend that brought to the surface the things I wil be leaving behind. I started to type them out, but they were too sappy. So I erased it. And instead, I will say, I am leaving behind a lot of really great people, in the physical sense. But to say that I am taking them out of my life would be a lie, and without them, their support, I would not have the confidence and drive to make such a life altering decision. And when I sit and think about the possibilities of what my life will look like in a few months time, challenges included, I get really excited. And if I was leaving a season for a new one, and had nothing to be sad about, that is where real sadness would reside. Enough about that. Hooray to moving forward in life, to change, and to being challenged, and hooray to always having amazing people in my life, regardless of my zip code. And hooray to closed chapters and possibilities, because of the reality that things don't always work out in the ways we had hoped they would, and yet we can still go on living, fully.
And I will say...this does not have to make sense to you, the reader. But despite of how wonderful last week was, despite all of the great times I had, and all of the wonderful relationships I will be leaving behind in the physical, it honestly felt like one of the longest weeks of my life.
In closing, for you, a quote...hope it greets your soul in the same way that it greeted mine...
"It was a fine autumn day, really, and the air through the open windows smelled like life."
Jesse Ball
Saturday, February 2, 2008
good days
Today is a good day. Will continue to be a good day. Felt inspired this morning on my way to work in the dark. Had this thought, while driving down Harvard, listening to Coldplay: I want to live an unorthodox, unconventional life. Not for the sake of being unconventional, but because I don't want to depend on conventions to be happy...While throwing pastries in the pastry case, The Way I Am played over the speakers, randomely, out of the blue. A song that I love, that makes any day better...and my lovely ballerina friend Sarah confirmed that it would in fact be a good day.
I gave my three week notice at job #2 yesterday, the same day that my passport arrived in the mail. Two fortunate happenings in my life. Much of my future depends on the arrival of the passport and the ending of the jobs. I love the feeling of moving forward, the butterflies in my stomach that come with the decisions I am maiking that make the future change inevitable.
Heard from a friend yesterday that I had not heard from in a while. One of life's most lovely blessings. Held a little baby girl that had red hair. It is a silly dream of mine to have a daughter with red hair. Finished the evening with friends and a margarita.
Now back to making coffee and lattes for the people in the world that have Saturday mornings off, something I have to look forward to. I have definitely made my ten minute break more of a twenty minute break.
I gave my three week notice at job #2 yesterday, the same day that my passport arrived in the mail. Two fortunate happenings in my life. Much of my future depends on the arrival of the passport and the ending of the jobs. I love the feeling of moving forward, the butterflies in my stomach that come with the decisions I am maiking that make the future change inevitable.
Heard from a friend yesterday that I had not heard from in a while. One of life's most lovely blessings. Held a little baby girl that had red hair. It is a silly dream of mine to have a daughter with red hair. Finished the evening with friends and a margarita.
Now back to making coffee and lattes for the people in the world that have Saturday mornings off, something I have to look forward to. I have definitely made my ten minute break more of a twenty minute break.
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