clarity

EXCITEMENT!

There was an episode on Oprah some time ago. Anderson Cooper was on there speaking about his book. I like him. He seems to have a pretty good handle on life, in the sense that he admits it’s hard, with all the factors that go on in the world, to have a good handle on life. And I relate to that.

He talked about what drove him to do what he did, and what steps he took make his dream happen. Engulfing his decisions was a statement his mom made to him, “the best advice she ever gave me,” I believe, were his words. She told him to “follow his bliss”.

And so here I sit, typing this, contemplating about life, and about what my bliss is.

I know what it’s not. It’s not in a job, anywhere. People ask me what I want to do and I have no idea. I know I want to someday be a mom, and I don’t say that lightly. I want to bear children and raise them intentionally. I very much look forward to that season in my life, in whatever capacity it comes in.

Other than that, it is hard to move me. I don’t believe in retail and excess and wasting ones life away buying things that distract said person from the reality in front of them. And yet I have two retail jobs. That certainly is not my bliss.

I have a degree in graphic design, and yet the idea of pursuing a “career” (bla) in that is ultimately dismally depressing. A lot of graphic designers depend on the advertising industry for their livelihood…spending their time coming up with a wonderfully clever idea that will effectively sell something to the consumer. I could care less. Others spend their time arranging words and lines in a way that is aesthetically pleasing to the eye, and though I could get away with that in the practical I-need-an-income sense, the thought of sitting behind a computer all day literally starts to make my head hurt.

Enter excitement! When I graduated from college, if you asked me what I wanted to do, I would have said something like, “travel, and write and read a lot of books, but how practical is that?” Travel needs money. Maybe someday, I would tell myself. And I don’t want to do it alone, so until then, whenever then is, I will just get a job, and live, I guess. Sigh.

Florida sucked the optimism and excitement out of me. It effectively helped me sit on the shelf my romantic and idealist notions about what life could look like. It started the process of turning me into an adult, with no scope of Neverland. And I shouldn’t have to say much about what moving back to a small town to live with the parents at the age of twenty-three will do to a person’s sense of hope and adventure.

Starbucks, as much as it pains me to say this, was meant to be. For some reason, I wanted to work there. And this silly little job that I have was definitely my life’s turning point. Who knew? From there came Chris, a kindred spirit…and Mary, who introduced me to Tonia, the two lovely women I live with. What a blessing that has been. And choosing to rent a house and be out on my own and get to know a city and new people and put myself in challenging situations was really what started the process of reawakening the part of me that had been hidden for so long. Working at Starbucks helped me see how much I enjoy teaching others, and not in the “I am a teacher” sense, but in the sense that helping people understand things does something for my soul. And from Mary and Tonia came my life-group...the people that helped me filter through difficult questions about my faith, questions I had been struggling through alone for some time. Said life-group has been such an incredible blessing and important part of my journey.

Also from Starbucks was Ben, the manager that hired me. I worked under him there for a few months, until he left to manage at Apple. Enter Apple. My degree in graphic design helped working there make sense, and for some reason, Ben really liked working with me, which means he put forth effort into getting me hired. I applied at the end of the summer, and the timing wasn’t right. And then they called, in November, about a new position they had me in mind for. And I was feeling the need for a change. So I took it. Enter my week-old-life-long friend I mentioned a few posts ago. He is no longer a week old, but still life-long. And that unexpected friendship has helped me see my bliss with more clarity and courage than I have ever had before.

I love other cultures and ways of doing things. I love the process, as opposed to the ultimate outcome. I love change and adventure and challenges. I love people, in the sense that I love how human and messed up and diverse and imperfect and loveable we all are. I love to learn and to observe and to savor…it all. I love the little things…calm mornings and laughter and literature and mistakes and creativity and the sharing of knowledge and great conversation and lovely handwriting and the ability to shuck expectations that are imposed upon me, and choice and consequence, and relationships and the sharing of things with people I care about. I love writing and honesty and vulnerability and hope and possibility. And running and naps. And the building of a great sandwich…and cooking and baking for people and creating space for people to feel at home, feel comfortable with who they are, feel better about who they are when they leave my presence than when they entered it. I love listening to peoples stories and telling mine. And if you can tell me a job that encompasses all of those things, you are my hero.

I think I have come close. The relationships I have formed over the past year here in Tulsa have served to help me wipe away the layers of dirt and muck that had been concealing the things in life that make my heart jump…my bliss…if you will. And my unexpected friend has helped me find a fairly practical way to follow it. All of the lovely people in my life have given me the courage and affirmation to take the risk. It comes in the form of travel…to another country…to teach English…not alone...to make enough money to pay the bills and then some…to save…for whatever adventure comes next. I would be working half the hours that I am now…anywhere from twenty to thirty…making about twice the money I am now. I would have time to spend exploring…and I wouldn’t have to explore alone. I would be making a decision to live my life in a way that is open to all possibilities. I would be challenged, for sure, and I would be choosing the adventure, as opposed to staying and waiting for someone or something to happen to me…and if something or someone happened to me along the way, all the better. And as I sit here and type this, the thought of it makes my heart jump, my eyes sparkle.

And the other reason I love the way that all of this talk impacts my future: My ultimate hope, as stated earlier, is to be a really great mom. When my son or daughter has grown too big for me to hold them in my arms, and then grown big enough to realize how big the world is, and they tell me that they want to move to South Africa or New York City or Mexico for whatever reason that stirs their heart, I want to be able to look back on my life and my experience, and tell them how much I will miss them, and also to go for it. And so I am not just making this choice for me, but also for that little being that all of me will greatly effect.

And that’s all for now.