quagmire

Much to say. No clear and safe way to say it.

Mostly, what I have been saying lately is that life is funny. Because it is. The twists and turns it takes. One can never tell...anticipate...expect. That reality makes is uber fun and mildly frightening in the same hearts beat. It's going one way, and it's enjoyable. There is a lot of laughter and a lot of hope. Always, much to be thankful for. It isn't mundane, per say, but comfortable. Contentment is found, without having to be sought. Sigh.

There is a little bit of repetition, which makes the wandering soul crave change. Change happens in the form of a new job. This is what I would consider safe change. No need to cross the country or world, just an extra trip during the day...and an extra paycheck. A change of scenery, of faces, of challenges. These are the things my logic anticipated when I embarked on this new phase. And my logic wasn't far off, it just didn't go far enough...doubt that it could have.

Who knew I would find relationships and friends that would basically take a crow bar to the safe and comfortable glass bowl I had allowed to form around this section of my journey? Not I.

And so here I sit, typing this, with confusion and excitement and a full and divided heart. Thinking about my future, and what it is in life that I really want, as opposed to what I have always assumed would happen to me. Thinking about my old friends, and my new friends, and my really new friends, and the way they all play into my life's equation. It's complicated. Leaving the country. Giving up on the not so definite possibilities of new relationships to make a heart friend a definite part of my journey. Leaving the comfortable and lovely for the adventurous and unknown. Staying here and exploring the possibilty of what the current could become, continuing to enjoy my sweet old house and the roommates and friends I really do adore and leaving the adventure behind. At this point, bit of compromise...bit of broken heart...either way.

The comfort comes in the reality that I don't have to choose today what it will ultimately look like. And even if I did, it still probably wouldn't look that way, because of the nature of things. The soft sigh that outweighs the confusion and worry comes from God, and the belief that all this is so much bigger than I am, in the universal and spiritual sense, and that I am His regardless of the circumstantial outcome of my life. This relief is present despite the questions and confusions that I have directed toward Him so much lately. It's comforting to know that I still don't know it or understand it all, and can still believe...precisely because it is bigger than me...because of what I don't understand.

And all that to say, once again, life is funny.