springtime

10:08pm
I am sitting in the corner, hearing hint of music playing in the distance, the laughter of three high school age girls above anything else, the unescapeable talk of what book of the Bible the two gentleman in the corner should lead a study on...

I arrived at job #2 today at nine this morning. I was not scheduled to work, but I am saving mula for a computer, so jumped at the opportunity to spend nine hours working on my day off. When I arrived, I quickly jumped to check my email, hoping for something to read, to draw from, that would -help- get me through my day. In the stark and bright white room I was sitting, hurrying in, I heard the alarm going off in the distance, my manager on the telephone with an unhappy customer trying to smooth over some dismal situation, my eyes staring at silver like cards with our companies new initiative printed in white on the front...and it was as if all of the happenings going on around me were a chaotic symphony of truth, painfully reminding me that this is a big portion of my life's reality.

10:18
The boys are still in the corner deciding on how to teach, the rotation to be determined. The laughter has subsided, the girls have become more calm, and bundling up to leave. With the giggles disappearing, the music is more pronounced. A new conversation, with an awkward boy and a hopeful girl...potential for a budding relationship, her attempt to flirt, to let him know, without letting him know too much. She is being clever, and witty...a little giggle, effective...letting him know he's funny...hmmm...

And I am not complaining, because I consciously made the choices to get me to my current reality. And good things have come from my two dead end jobs. And the current consequences are worth whatever I have received.

10:24pm
they turned the music up. I know more about the funny boy...he's from Boston, here with 24/7 prayer, and interesting conservative libertarian named Bob has been added to the flirting couples exchange...sad girl alone at the table to my right...glad the music is louder...

And now that I have mentioned the bleakness in my current job situation, I will share the hope...the sweet trimmings...I enjoy -most- of the people I work with. And at job #2, I made the decision today to look and see all of the people I get to work with, as opposed to those I do not. The Dwight from the Office double that is for sure socially awkward and doesn't have that chip in him to let him know when not to bring something up in a public conversation. He usually creeps me a little, but more than that, he makes me laugh because of all that he is, and he kindly got me a mini chocolate chip cookie today from Mrs. Fields. He scored points, and reminded me to look at the positives.

10:33PM they have turned the lights down a little, and interesting conversation in the other corner has began...on the boundaries of physical flirting...

Speaking of physical flirting...my soccer player eye candy came in the store again today. That was a fun few hours. I hope his computer breaks a few more times. And now that I am on a roll with the positives, I will mention the most positive of all, the truth that gets me through. I have an alternative...I can sit through long and extremely boring and/or meaninless meetings...I can endure a day of work on my day off delivering disappointing news to people that are already pissed off at me before they walk in the door, I can funnel phone calls from people asking questions I don't know the answer to, I can painfully push a companie's initiative because I have been asked to...because, once gain, I have an alternative. Because I have made a decision to embrace change, comfortably refusing to ignore my ideals, working at t job that won't be all enjoyable all the time, but will be something I can believe in at the end of the day..a job that will be engulfed in lovely simplicity and adventureous distractions. Sigh of relief, excitement, thankfulness. And so, knowing the current reality is just that; my current reality. Knowing that it won't be my future's reality. Sigh of relief, excitement, thankfulness.

10:50pm
Same corner, pause in the music, it begins again...a song I don't like...good time to leave...and one more thing...I think the potentially budding couple likes each other...as in...he likes her and she him...it's sweet...now, it's time to leave...

let go

Greetings!

I am loving this day. I love the color of it. The feel of the breeze, the smell of the air. The lack of control. I have felt a lot today...accomplished a lot to day, in the philosophical sense. And I feel, for sure, inspired.

I am feeling good about slowly ending this season of my life, and because of what walked away today, it is fitting that this day would represent, for me, the beginning of the end of this time...

Because of the inevitable farewell I was anticipating, I actually went out and bought a six pack of film for my camera. Yes. That's right. I do actually have to buy rolls of film in order to take pictures. And in certain situations, I always will. I love technology and innovation, but I also like the simple things...the anticipation that comes with waiting for that roll of film to be done, the unknown that comes after taking a picture...having to wait it out...having to be OK with the possibility that one of the ones you are really wanting to frame may actually not come out at all...not to be redundant, but I enjoy the process of it all. And so today, the way I heart my camera and the joy that using it adds to my life...it's back.

In light of that, I have decided to intentionally document this time, with pictures that attempt to speak of what I feel on the inside. So you, fellow human beings, can look forward to some images to go along with my minds wanderings.

And one more thing. My head hurts, and I was trying to explain this morning the fact that I don't actually own any painkillers. And as I sit here thinking about it, thinking about how it still hurts, part of not doing something to get rid of it is the desire to not be afraid to feel the difficult things. I did things to cause my head to hurt. I ate sugar late at night. I cried good, necessary, cathartic tears for longer that is healthy for my head. I didn't sleep enough. There are also a lot of things swirling around up there in the part of me that thinks...and so I am ok with giving the head time to work itself out, because I don't regret the things that I did or felt or didn't do that brought to me the current painful state of my head. More philosophy on a head-ache than is necessary for anyone to endure, but, it is what it is. Wink. And because I hurt, and because hurt is inevitable, I would rather feel that than nothing at all...I would rather feel that than complacency. And the previous sentence officially turned it into a paragraph about life, not just head pain.

before the sun comes up

I have thought about this a lot. About life and the chances we take. Big and small. About asking questions that matter. About taking risks.

My freak-out/worry period of life usually happens in the dark hours of the morning, when my consciousness has yet to arrive. It's like the worry rests right below the surface, and when my mind and body are acclimating to real life time, it's the perfect opportunity for the worry to escape, when my guard is down, when my logic isn't in proper working order. And it happens...the questions come...about the people I choose to trust...the choices I am making...the outfit I wore the day before...and so on and so on...and then I wake up for real...and remember...

that the risks we take are at the root of those worries...of the unknown...and I can't do anything about the unknown. I remember how much my soul wants to take those risks, and that all of the times in my life when I have had the wee-hour worries before making big decisions, I have pushed the fear aside, followed through...often with difficulty...and not regretted a minute of it.

I told my mom last night that my life may always change...often...in six month increments...and that's good with me. I am not wishy-washy. I am just not willing to agree to the 8-5. And call me crazy, but I want to take the risks. I want my life to be filled with the "oh shit" moments...where I wonder what in the hell have I gotten myself into. And then follow through...and grow...and be grateful...and continue breathing.

today

I don't have anything pertinent to say. I have just blogged, as of late, some life altering and life changing realities, and I just wanted to say that's not all. I am still me. I am still quirky.

Hearing Eric Clapton strumming a guitar makes my world a little more all right. That's what is plaing in my ear as I type. I freaking love margaritas. Especially shared with someone else who equally loves them. I didn't believe that I would become a coffee drinker when I started working here at starbucks. I believed I would be one of those strong/unaffected types. I still don't know if I used the correct spelling for affect in the previous sentence and I doubt I ever will. Back to previous sentence...I am a coffee drinker. I like it black. I like my tripple tall lattes. And I am not ashamed.

I have never been more thrilled with my state in life as I am now. I have never felt more freedom and excitement for what is now and is to come. I love wine. This post is making me sound like a lush. I have tons of questions, big questions, and the fact that I can feel freedom in the midst of them is, questions aside, an act of God. I am thankful.

And now, I have to go to work.

clarity

EXCITEMENT!

There was an episode on Oprah some time ago. Anderson Cooper was on there speaking about his book. I like him. He seems to have a pretty good handle on life, in the sense that he admits it’s hard, with all the factors that go on in the world, to have a good handle on life. And I relate to that.

He talked about what drove him to do what he did, and what steps he took make his dream happen. Engulfing his decisions was a statement his mom made to him, “the best advice she ever gave me,” I believe, were his words. She told him to “follow his bliss”.

And so here I sit, typing this, contemplating about life, and about what my bliss is.

I know what it’s not. It’s not in a job, anywhere. People ask me what I want to do and I have no idea. I know I want to someday be a mom, and I don’t say that lightly. I want to bear children and raise them intentionally. I very much look forward to that season in my life, in whatever capacity it comes in.

Other than that, it is hard to move me. I don’t believe in retail and excess and wasting ones life away buying things that distract said person from the reality in front of them. And yet I have two retail jobs. That certainly is not my bliss.

I have a degree in graphic design, and yet the idea of pursuing a “career” (bla) in that is ultimately dismally depressing. A lot of graphic designers depend on the advertising industry for their livelihood…spending their time coming up with a wonderfully clever idea that will effectively sell something to the consumer. I could care less. Others spend their time arranging words and lines in a way that is aesthetically pleasing to the eye, and though I could get away with that in the practical I-need-an-income sense, the thought of sitting behind a computer all day literally starts to make my head hurt.

Enter excitement! When I graduated from college, if you asked me what I wanted to do, I would have said something like, “travel, and write and read a lot of books, but how practical is that?” Travel needs money. Maybe someday, I would tell myself. And I don’t want to do it alone, so until then, whenever then is, I will just get a job, and live, I guess. Sigh.

Florida sucked the optimism and excitement out of me. It effectively helped me sit on the shelf my romantic and idealist notions about what life could look like. It started the process of turning me into an adult, with no scope of Neverland. And I shouldn’t have to say much about what moving back to a small town to live with the parents at the age of twenty-three will do to a person’s sense of hope and adventure.

Starbucks, as much as it pains me to say this, was meant to be. For some reason, I wanted to work there. And this silly little job that I have was definitely my life’s turning point. Who knew? From there came Chris, a kindred spirit…and Mary, who introduced me to Tonia, the two lovely women I live with. What a blessing that has been. And choosing to rent a house and be out on my own and get to know a city and new people and put myself in challenging situations was really what started the process of reawakening the part of me that had been hidden for so long. Working at Starbucks helped me see how much I enjoy teaching others, and not in the “I am a teacher” sense, but in the sense that helping people understand things does something for my soul. And from Mary and Tonia came my life-group...the people that helped me filter through difficult questions about my faith, questions I had been struggling through alone for some time. Said life-group has been such an incredible blessing and important part of my journey.

Also from Starbucks was Ben, the manager that hired me. I worked under him there for a few months, until he left to manage at Apple. Enter Apple. My degree in graphic design helped working there make sense, and for some reason, Ben really liked working with me, which means he put forth effort into getting me hired. I applied at the end of the summer, and the timing wasn’t right. And then they called, in November, about a new position they had me in mind for. And I was feeling the need for a change. So I took it. Enter my week-old-life-long friend I mentioned a few posts ago. He is no longer a week old, but still life-long. And that unexpected friendship has helped me see my bliss with more clarity and courage than I have ever had before.

I love other cultures and ways of doing things. I love the process, as opposed to the ultimate outcome. I love change and adventure and challenges. I love people, in the sense that I love how human and messed up and diverse and imperfect and loveable we all are. I love to learn and to observe and to savor…it all. I love the little things…calm mornings and laughter and literature and mistakes and creativity and the sharing of knowledge and great conversation and lovely handwriting and the ability to shuck expectations that are imposed upon me, and choice and consequence, and relationships and the sharing of things with people I care about. I love writing and honesty and vulnerability and hope and possibility. And running and naps. And the building of a great sandwich…and cooking and baking for people and creating space for people to feel at home, feel comfortable with who they are, feel better about who they are when they leave my presence than when they entered it. I love listening to peoples stories and telling mine. And if you can tell me a job that encompasses all of those things, you are my hero.

I think I have come close. The relationships I have formed over the past year here in Tulsa have served to help me wipe away the layers of dirt and muck that had been concealing the things in life that make my heart jump…my bliss…if you will. And my unexpected friend has helped me find a fairly practical way to follow it. All of the lovely people in my life have given me the courage and affirmation to take the risk. It comes in the form of travel…to another country…to teach English…not alone...to make enough money to pay the bills and then some…to save…for whatever adventure comes next. I would be working half the hours that I am now…anywhere from twenty to thirty…making about twice the money I am now. I would have time to spend exploring…and I wouldn’t have to explore alone. I would be making a decision to live my life in a way that is open to all possibilities. I would be challenged, for sure, and I would be choosing the adventure, as opposed to staying and waiting for someone or something to happen to me…and if something or someone happened to me along the way, all the better. And as I sit here and type this, the thought of it makes my heart jump, my eyes sparkle.

And the other reason I love the way that all of this talk impacts my future: My ultimate hope, as stated earlier, is to be a really great mom. When my son or daughter has grown too big for me to hold them in my arms, and then grown big enough to realize how big the world is, and they tell me that they want to move to South Africa or New York City or Mexico for whatever reason that stirs their heart, I want to be able to look back on my life and my experience, and tell them how much I will miss them, and also to go for it. And so I am not just making this choice for me, but also for that little being that all of me will greatly effect.

And that’s all for now.

Here is where I tell you all of the benefits of eating at a mexican restaurant for lunch by yourself. Keep in mind that some of my points apply because I am a young female, so they may not all be appealing to everyone.

1. You can fearlessly pilfer through the chips to find the folded chips that are your favorite.

2. You can read a book while you wait for your food.

3. If you are at a Mexican restaurant that gives you only one salsa, regardless of the number of people at the table, being alone enables you to be able to sit it right in front of you so that you don't get salsa drippings on the pages of the book you are reading.

4. You don't have to politely offer a bite to the person you are eating with if you actually want it all for yourself.

5. You can shamelessly flirt with your waiter and/or server.

6. When you are alone and have put forth a mild amount of effort into getting ready for the day, since they think you are single, they bring your food even faster and fill your glass even quicker, I am assuming, to try and impress you.

7. When said waiters/servers ask you how your food is, they call you lady, as in, "is everything OK for you today lady?" And it feels nice to be called lady.

8. You receive puzzled looks from the people that think it's odd to see a young lady eating Mexican food alone while simultaneously reading "The Chronicles of Narnia", and if you are like me, you find those quizzical looks entertaining.

9. You could, theoretically, drink multiple margaritas and not have to worry about whether or not your guest thinks you are a lush.

10. I don't have a 10. I just know I like mexican food. I like it whether I am with someone or without someone. In all honesty, even though there are a lot of pros to eating it alone, and even though I would rather eat it alone than with someone annoying, I would rather eat it in the company of someone I enjoy. But it's good to know it can be enjoyed alone too, right?

In closing, a reference to my last post. At this juncture in life, I am choosing the adventure. I am jumping into the unknown. I believe that if I do not, with all that I know about myself at this point in my life, if I stay here where it's comfortable and practical, where I would probably end up doing the obvious, I would always save a corner in my heart for the disappointment I I would feel toward myself. And I would rather leave no room in my heart for such a thing. And the good news is, right now, I won't have to embark on the adventure alone. Thank goodness that life is funny.

quagmire

Much to say. No clear and safe way to say it.

Mostly, what I have been saying lately is that life is funny. Because it is. The twists and turns it takes. One can never tell...anticipate...expect. That reality makes is uber fun and mildly frightening in the same hearts beat. It's going one way, and it's enjoyable. There is a lot of laughter and a lot of hope. Always, much to be thankful for. It isn't mundane, per say, but comfortable. Contentment is found, without having to be sought. Sigh.

There is a little bit of repetition, which makes the wandering soul crave change. Change happens in the form of a new job. This is what I would consider safe change. No need to cross the country or world, just an extra trip during the day...and an extra paycheck. A change of scenery, of faces, of challenges. These are the things my logic anticipated when I embarked on this new phase. And my logic wasn't far off, it just didn't go far enough...doubt that it could have.

Who knew I would find relationships and friends that would basically take a crow bar to the safe and comfortable glass bowl I had allowed to form around this section of my journey? Not I.

And so here I sit, typing this, with confusion and excitement and a full and divided heart. Thinking about my future, and what it is in life that I really want, as opposed to what I have always assumed would happen to me. Thinking about my old friends, and my new friends, and my really new friends, and the way they all play into my life's equation. It's complicated. Leaving the country. Giving up on the not so definite possibilities of new relationships to make a heart friend a definite part of my journey. Leaving the comfortable and lovely for the adventurous and unknown. Staying here and exploring the possibilty of what the current could become, continuing to enjoy my sweet old house and the roommates and friends I really do adore and leaving the adventure behind. At this point, bit of compromise...bit of broken heart...either way.

The comfort comes in the reality that I don't have to choose today what it will ultimately look like. And even if I did, it still probably wouldn't look that way, because of the nature of things. The soft sigh that outweighs the confusion and worry comes from God, and the belief that all this is so much bigger than I am, in the universal and spiritual sense, and that I am His regardless of the circumstantial outcome of my life. This relief is present despite the questions and confusions that I have directed toward Him so much lately. It's comforting to know that I still don't know it or understand it all, and can still believe...precisely because it is bigger than me...because of what I don't understand.

And all that to say, once again, life is funny.