Lately

Lately, in my life, I have been plagued by questions. Questions of purpose, and what mine is. Questions of God and who He is. Questioning where He is. Questioning my decisions; Big questions like, "Should I have left my brother in Florida and moved back to the place I was so looking forward to experiencing life away from?" and small ones like, "should I have eaten that piece of lemon raspberry bar after dinner considering the fact that I followed lunch with a serving of baked fudge.?" Questioning my worth, and questioning where that worth comes from. Questioning my future and if I am wasting my present. Questioning, in January, where the money to pay my electric bill from November will come from. Ugh. I have exhausted myself with the questions, literally. My eye twitched consistently for two months. I wake up in the mornings feeling like I have been run over by a semi, and the semi driver thought he just lost something off of his load, so he put his truck in reverse to check it out, and ran over me again. The questions are plentiful, the answers sparse.

I read this book Eat Pray Love. It's by Elizabeth Gilbert. She went through a nasty divorce and was in the midst of a deep depression and decided to travel to Italy, India and Indonesia. She went to Italy in pursuit of the art of pleasure, India in pursuit of Spirituality, and Indonesia to find Balance. She was at Barnes and Noble in Tulsa tonight for a book signing. She read from her book and then answered our questions and signed our copies. She has some pretty far out spiritual experiences and ideas, but at the root of it all, she reminded me of the reality of God and where to look for him.

I was in a friends wedding last weekend in Little Rock Arkansas, home of former president Bill Clinton. I rode back to Siloam with my friend Devi, who I had not seen since graduating from college a few Mays ago. I told her of my questions. She reminded me of truth, and that it's not enough to just ask the questions. That will only lead me to frustration. I have to look for the answers too. She told me of God's faithfulness, and her spirit and attitude spoke to me that truth even more loudly than her words.

My friend Pam made me this book for my birthday. She gave it to my on Sunday, the Sunday of a long weekend in which I felt very alone. That Sunday followed a long week of my feeling very alone. And that particular week followed quite a few months of my feeling very alone. The book was a compilation of letters from people in my life telling me, or the reader, who I am to them...a word that describes me...and their wish for my birthday. Some of the people in the book, I am ashamed to say, I so easily forgot were in my life, and others said things that I may have never heard until sitting on a cloud, overlooking my funeral (assuming the said persons live longer than me) had it not been for this book. This gesture from Pam, who is beyond a friend to me, reminded me so eloquently and gracefully, that I am, in fact, not alone at all. And it reminded me to feel differently.

So here I am. Looking so desperately for a turning point, believing that I may have reached the tip of what could resemble something that almost looks as if, at one point or another, played the role of a turning point. Since questions have been permeating my days, I would think that it is only healthy for me to remind myself of what I do know to be true, things that go without question. So here goes. Justin Timberlake makes me want to move my body in ways I didn’t even know it could. I drive too fast and do not pay enough attention to the road when I drive. I love my cat Murray more than is healthy for a human species to love a cat. I love sweets, and I usually eat too much of them when I am sad. I am my own worst critic and have always been too hard on myself, and that needs to change. There are people in my life, people who I care and who care about me. I am happiest when I am focusing on all the things I have and am, rather than what I don’t have and am not. Questions lead to authenticity and seasons don’t last forever. It just isn’t a part of their make up. God is real and He has His hand in my life. I may never know the answers to the questions I am asking, but I do know the former mentioned things to be true, and from my current view, it’s a pretty good place to start…over.