People and Beef

While munching on a blueberry muffin during break time at work this morning, I realized that the one of the aspects of my job that I love is seeing the diverse group of people walk through the door. We have some truly interesting characters, and there isn't just one type of person that visits our location. It's right off of the highway, so we get quite a bit of travelers, and it is also in a part of town that is a break between money and not so much...

At the time I was on my break, there was a teenage girl in line, men and women of different ethnicities, backgrounds, and from what I could see, job options. I thought to myself, "what I wouldn't give to know what was going through their heads"...the woman at the counter was probably chastising herself for not requesting non-fat milk…or for getting the drink in the first place…the man glaring at the receipt while walking out the door was wishing he would have finished college so that he could have a job which would actually enable him to afford the latte he gets each morning, regardless…and Pete, who is chatting with girl barista Charlie, is wishing he was twenty years younger and that she wasn’t engaged – and is surprised by how interested he actually sounds in her talk of school and classes and the like…and Thomas…oh Thomas…he would chat with the wooden table that he sits at if there were no one else in the café…and he would explain to the table his take on school reform, his wife’s woes of his jobless situation, and finally he would remind Mr. Table to never lose hope in God, followed by the phrase, “I don’t want to keep you,” which would be followed by a ten minute explanation of the documentary he saw on the history channel last night, involving a tribe and a sacrifice and a midget. All the while, Phil would be working on the crossword puzzles in both the New York Times and the Tulsa World, as he does each mid morning of the week…

This is the color of my job…and I love it. I am there to listen, feed their addiction, and give them a bit of respite from the otherwise monotony of their day. And again, I love it.

Tonight I will be going to McNellie’s Public House for their $3 burger night. A girl that I work with has invited me every Wednesday for the past month, and I have yet to accept…but I don’t have to work tonight and my grandma is out of the hospital, so I said yes! It is a good thing that I am fasting from dietary restrictions, because in the normal life of Meredith, I don’t eat beef. But tonight, bring on the cow and sweet potato fries. She said a group of her friends go every Wednesday night…and she is an initiator, which is good for me, because I am not. Those are the kind of people I need in my life right now. Supposedly, my friend Lorelei from work is going as well, which makes me happy, because I really, really like Lorelei. She is sarcastic, which means she gets my sarcasm, and isn’t easily offended. That makes things easy for me. And fun too. I hope they serve Margaritas, because I want one.

*names have been change in order to protect identity

I read that in memoirs and I always wanted to be able to say it.

Mr O

So it's the day after the Oscar's and I am going to write about them because I stayed up late last night to watch them, despite the fact that my alarm went off at 3:50 this morning so that I could be at work at 5. I didn't know Starbuck's opened at 5:30 when I was hired. I wasn't thinking that far ahead. I usually don't think too far ahead. And I curse myself for that on days that I have to open. Anyway, I earned the write to babel about them because I sacrificed my deep sleep in order to finish them so that I could see the happenings live and not hear about who won from a customer...speaking of Babel...it brought home the Oscar for music score. I am not going to elaborate any more than to say this: Watch It. Rent It. DO what you have to to see it. I think I may have been tired and emotional the night I saw it, but nevertheless, I was moved. I cried all the way home from the theater. When I got home I tried to tell my mom about it and she said that she was worn out just from listening to me explain it. The director last night said he started out making it to portray how disconnected we all are, and upon completion of the film, he realized that it was about how we are all connected...that we are all the same. I am not sure that it necessarily deserved any more performance Oscars (Brad Pitt could have been nominated for supporting, and the film probably deserved an editing nod, maybe) but the film as a whole speaks volumes of what we all, as human beings that inhabit this earth together, need to hear.

Yes, Forrest and Helen both deserved their Oscars for their leading roles, in my opinion. The only film I didn't see for the Male leading role was Venus, and though I am sorry that Peter O'Toole is 0 for 8 in his run for the oscars, I am pretty sure Forrest gave the best performance...and that is difficult for me to say because I am a recently converted Leonardo fan...and as much as I wanted to see him on the podium, I knew it wasn't meant for him. Helen won it, hands down. I could say more but I am choosing not to.

More about my conversion to admirer of Leonardo Dicaprio (I didn't say fan becuase if sounds so juvenile) - I came to this place after seeing The Departed. Hands down, the best made film, in my opinion (and the Academy's) of the year. His performance freaking blew me away. I was never attracted to him when he was a teen idol, or in the midst of the Leonardo craze of the late 90's. I didn't even like Titanic that much. He seemed like a little boy. But friends, I am here to tell you that nowadays, he is indeed a man. The performances in the film...all of them were so graceful and fluid...the directing was genius (the Academy agreed with me there too), the writing was, as others have said, flawless (if that's possible) and the editing, musical score, and mixing are what made the rest of the film hold together so tight...I just simply cannot say enough about the execution of the movie. Watching it made me see what movies can really be like. I went out and rented Raging Bull and Good Fellas just so that I could soak up every ounce of Martin that I could. So, in a nutshell, I was jumping and clapping at the TV when the best director and best picture awards were announced.

I think Ellen did a great job hosting. Her presence in the show was not invasive or obnoxious, and she has such a lighthearted sense of humor. She could be telling you something horrible about yourself, and because of the way she delivers it, the way it rolls off of her tongue, you would probably thank her.

I was talking to my buddy Jesse at work and we were discussing that another aspect we appreciatedabout last nights show is how much diversiity was represended in the nominations...age...color of skin...language...sex...genre...Ellen hinted on that in her opening monologue, and we agreed.

I am extremely tired right now, for serious. I have that lingering headache, apathetic attitude, and fogginess of brain that comes when I go more through more than one night of little sleep. But it was worth it. Oh, and a shout out to Pam for singlehandedly winning the JBU talent show. Maybe not single handedly, but it may as well have been. She's a rock star.

I will leave you with my top three must see films of the year...in not-necessarily consecutive order...

The Departed (a strong R, but so so so much more if you are one of those people that can look past that)
Little Miss Sunshine (an unexpected stream of sunlight during an unbelievably gray day)
Babel (amazing supporting role performances by all of the cast...diverse and interesting to watch, with an underlying message that everyone needs to hear and is said without anyone ever actually vocalizing it...subtle enough to not be shoved down your throat but strong enough to move you from your otherwise comfortable zone)

And one more thing...Gwyneth Paltrow is my pick for best bressed last night...she made a splash in Oscar de la Renta when she won for Shakespeare in love, and I thought her dress last night was indicative of how her life has evolved from that youthful pink dress to a wife and a mother and a child who lost her father...someone that has grown and learned and lived...so much from just a dress...

lollipops and wedding cakes

I don't have much to say this time, I just want to make note of the fact that I am at Barnes and Noble typing this post on my new lap top computer graciously financed by my uncle. I walked in the office today to answer the phone and he said something came for me...I was so excited!

I am here killing time before I have to go to work. I work from 5:30 to 10 tonight, and then I am going to go and see Notes on a Scandal. I was trying to see as many of the high sakes (I say that because I have not seen every foreign language film, best sound mixing, etc) oscar nominated films before I actually watched the oscars. I know it is a bit of a nerdy goal, but having had a lot of time on my hands, and seeing as though I love movies, it wasn't too hard to achieve. I had seen most of them before I started trying. The only two I will lack, assuming to see Notes tonight and Dreamgirls tomorrow, will be Little Children and Letters from Iwo Jima. Shucks.

Ok...I am off to barista...

A fast of sorts

I mentioned this in my last post, but I went to hear Elizabeth Gilbert at Barnes and Noble do a reading from her book Eat Pray Love. She is a writer. I would like to be a writer. So I asked her what she did to get started writing. Do you know what she told me? She wrote. She just read a lot of books and wrote a lot of stuff. She also said that a desire to write isn't a huge jump away from the love of reading. I agreed. She took a few writing classes in college, but nothing substantial. She simply always had a pen in her hand and just went for it. Enter Blog.

It is the season of Lent. This week we experienced Ash Wednesday. I love these rituals and traditions, bringing me calmly and methodically back to the faith that gets clouded in the questions. I have always held these things to be kind of private, something you decide between God and yourself, and share only when asked, and possibly not even then. But I am taking a different approach this year. I know, more than anything, I want to be at a place in life where I can celebrate myself and the person God created me to be...to not just be content with myself, but really happy with myself. I want freedom and peace, to be who I am without worry or shame. I have this idea in my head that "if only I did a, b, or c" I would be a likeable person, I would be ok with myself, if only I met those challenges. So for Lent, I am going to give up those challenges in an attempt to transition that lie of thinking to a healthier view point. I am going to fast from dietary restrictions. Anything goes. I have not lived like that since I was about 12...there are always forbidden foods, foods that if I eat, I have failed and have to pick myself up off the ground to start over. Because of this, the idea of eating as a pleasure has left my senses. Gone. Completely. So, in this time of lent, when I am supposed to be relating to Jesus suffering on the cross, I will be struggling though it all with onion rings from Sonic and, dare I say it, a hamburger. I am aware of the fact that I may put on a few pounds. I can handle it, becuase they will be pounds I earned with pleasure and intention...not in secret or desparation. And it isn't forever...just until Easter. That doesn't mean I am opening to doors to stuffing myself...I am not going to eat more than I should, I just have a lot more options to choose from now. It will be interesting to see what I learn...and how I grow (ha ha)...I will keep you posted.

Lately

Lately, in my life, I have been plagued by questions. Questions of purpose, and what mine is. Questions of God and who He is. Questioning where He is. Questioning my decisions; Big questions like, "Should I have left my brother in Florida and moved back to the place I was so looking forward to experiencing life away from?" and small ones like, "should I have eaten that piece of lemon raspberry bar after dinner considering the fact that I followed lunch with a serving of baked fudge.?" Questioning my worth, and questioning where that worth comes from. Questioning my future and if I am wasting my present. Questioning, in January, where the money to pay my electric bill from November will come from. Ugh. I have exhausted myself with the questions, literally. My eye twitched consistently for two months. I wake up in the mornings feeling like I have been run over by a semi, and the semi driver thought he just lost something off of his load, so he put his truck in reverse to check it out, and ran over me again. The questions are plentiful, the answers sparse.

I read this book Eat Pray Love. It's by Elizabeth Gilbert. She went through a nasty divorce and was in the midst of a deep depression and decided to travel to Italy, India and Indonesia. She went to Italy in pursuit of the art of pleasure, India in pursuit of Spirituality, and Indonesia to find Balance. She was at Barnes and Noble in Tulsa tonight for a book signing. She read from her book and then answered our questions and signed our copies. She has some pretty far out spiritual experiences and ideas, but at the root of it all, she reminded me of the reality of God and where to look for him.

I was in a friends wedding last weekend in Little Rock Arkansas, home of former president Bill Clinton. I rode back to Siloam with my friend Devi, who I had not seen since graduating from college a few Mays ago. I told her of my questions. She reminded me of truth, and that it's not enough to just ask the questions. That will only lead me to frustration. I have to look for the answers too. She told me of God's faithfulness, and her spirit and attitude spoke to me that truth even more loudly than her words.

My friend Pam made me this book for my birthday. She gave it to my on Sunday, the Sunday of a long weekend in which I felt very alone. That Sunday followed a long week of my feeling very alone. And that particular week followed quite a few months of my feeling very alone. The book was a compilation of letters from people in my life telling me, or the reader, who I am to them...a word that describes me...and their wish for my birthday. Some of the people in the book, I am ashamed to say, I so easily forgot were in my life, and others said things that I may have never heard until sitting on a cloud, overlooking my funeral (assuming the said persons live longer than me) had it not been for this book. This gesture from Pam, who is beyond a friend to me, reminded me so eloquently and gracefully, that I am, in fact, not alone at all. And it reminded me to feel differently.

So here I am. Looking so desperately for a turning point, believing that I may have reached the tip of what could resemble something that almost looks as if, at one point or another, played the role of a turning point. Since questions have been permeating my days, I would think that it is only healthy for me to remind myself of what I do know to be true, things that go without question. So here goes. Justin Timberlake makes me want to move my body in ways I didn’t even know it could. I drive too fast and do not pay enough attention to the road when I drive. I love my cat Murray more than is healthy for a human species to love a cat. I love sweets, and I usually eat too much of them when I am sad. I am my own worst critic and have always been too hard on myself, and that needs to change. There are people in my life, people who I care and who care about me. I am happiest when I am focusing on all the things I have and am, rather than what I don’t have and am not. Questions lead to authenticity and seasons don’t last forever. It just isn’t a part of their make up. God is real and He has His hand in my life. I may never know the answers to the questions I am asking, but I do know the former mentioned things to be true, and from my current view, it’s a pretty good place to start…over.

White Lillies

I got in the car yesterday and the radio was on to NPR. It was valentine's day (I know I am probably supposed to capitalize it, but I don't like giving it too much credit, so it will stay in lower case form) and I figured there would be more mushy songs on the radio than I could stomach, so it stayed on NPR. The host was interviewing Daniel Jones, editor of the book Modern Love: 50 True and Extraordinary Tales of Desire, Deceit, and Devotion - based on the Sunday New York Times Column Modern Love. They started with astory of an employer who knew a lot of personal information about his nanny (the person he trusts to take care of his children)...He knew that she had had more female partners than male, her woes of nannyhood, and that she "woke her lovers in the night by biting them"...he knew this because of her blog. It's like the anti-blog-auras of the universe were stacking against me, shamelessly wispering to my insecurities through the innocent informational facade of NPR...I had already had the wave of insecurity the night before...that feeling that I had exposed a piece of myself and should probably take a step or two back...but I am making a conscious decision not to. I am sticking with it...I will write as often as I have the courage to, and I will refrain from letting any of my future employers know that I have a blog.

I was going to say something about valentine's day, since it was yesterday, but I made a decision when I woke up Wednesday morning (I don't have a problem giving "Wednesday" credit, so you see, I capitalized it) that I would believe it was only Wednesday, and also hump day, and Lindsay Hamm's birthday and maybe it could have been independence day for one of the countries on planet earth, but that yesterday's Wednesday held no other great significance.

In other news, my uncle is going to help me buy a lap-top computer. I work for him in the afternoons. I answer the phone, play with his daughter, and occasionally clean his house...so he is going to take money out of my check each week to pay him back. It was his idea...they recently bought one from someone here in claremore who builds them for a great price, and I had mentioned that I was going to save for one when I got some looming bills paid off...I came in today and he told me of this plan. I didn't know what to say...so I just said thank you, and felt completely inadequate and ill-prepared to deal with this level of Kindness. Then I went to the bathroom and did my business and then jumped up and down and in a circle a few times. I think this would have effectively displayed my gratitude to my uncle, but it probably would have freaked him out too, and the two emotions would have canceled each other out, so I am sticking with thank you...

I am also having a hard time coming up with an appropriate title for this post, so I have decided on those occasions I am just going to think of something with a pleasant sound that brings forth an equally pleasant picture in my head and use that as the title.

the giving in

Ok. I am in. I have made a decision to embrace this blog thing and no longer give credit to the looming doubts. I have been playing a kind of tug of war with the idea of internet communication...treating them like a come and go friend, using them when it was convenient for me and turning my back to them when dependence became an issue...but with common sense and some basic sensorship on my part (something my friend Amy recommended to me the last time I axed my blog), I think blog and I can live a long and happy life together. I am passionately tossing my arms in the air, hair blowing in the wind, with a smile of anticipation and contentment, and I am going for it...

I love to write, regardless of whether it is something I excel at, or something something else reads, so I am going to take that nugget of truth and run with it. I have much to look forward to...