different fits.

I struggled with direction in college. It's not new to me, in case you've wondered. I was blessed with a dear roommate that became a dear friend. She was a pre-med major. I was undeclared. We lived together our freshman year. In the evenings, she usually studied while I was out, with friends, afraid that if I left or went to sleep, I would miss something. I would tip toe in late, and climb to the top bunk, trying ever so gracefully to not wake her up. In between classes, she had her biology book open, reading. I had my eyes closed, napping.

It wasn't just the sleep itself I craved. It was the shedding of the real life clothes and sandwiching myself in between a soft sinking surface and a blanket that conformed to my shape, instead of fighting it. It was the moment of complete ease and comfort, followed by rest.

I thought of the above scenario because of a comment a friend of hers' made to me once. He looked at our friendship and living situation from afar, and said to me, "Meredith. You two are very different. You seem to be much more interested in the social aspect of college and she is much more into the academic side." This was not an amazing observation. It's something anyone looking could have discovered. But it was him, giving voice to the situation, that made to stop and look at myself.

Why wasn't I worried about school, and furthering myself? Why wasn't I hitting the books, and seeing friends as a reward as opposed to a priority? I was in college. I was paying an enormous amount of money to gain an education, wasn't I?

No. Actually, I wasn't. I was paying an enormous amount of money for a wonderful life experience.

And this is what I have realized: I place much more value on the experience than I do the outcome. When I tell someone that I have a degree in graphic design, it holds much more weight for them than it does for me. "Why aren't you using it?" they ask. Using what, I think to myself. "Oh, the degree." The answer is because I didn't really go to college for a degree. I went for an experience. I have one, but it was such a minor aspect of my college experience.

After graduating, I remember the frantic feeling I got when someone would ask what I was going to "do". I worried because I realized that most people expect me to do something. There was an expectation for build; high school, college, degree, job pertaining to degree.

When asked the "do" question, my answer was always the place I was going to move, rather than the job I would find. My answer was about what I would experience, and had nothing to do with the outcome of attaining a degree.

I had friends over for dinner on Saturday. I love entertaining. I love the experience of people, collectively, in the kitchen...Talking, chopping, listening, drinking. I like looking up at a space that's usually empty or inhabited by only me, and instead seeing color, hearing laughter and conversation, looking forward to the shared experience of a meal. This is what I want to do.

After dinner, we sat down to watch Darjeeling Limited. I was looking forward to the colors in the movie, and also, Adrien Brody. Liz needed a footrest, to make her movie experience more enjoyable. Quite ironically and appropriately, my otherwise useless brown leather graphic design portfolio case, turned on its side, was just the fit.