hope.

Hope deferred makes the heart sick. It's in the bible somewhere. Some may argue that it makes the heart stronger, and maybe some of both.

I hate seeing that look on the face of one of my fellow humans that indicates the feeling that someone loves someone that doesn't love them back. That makes my heart sick.

People are fickle and have their preferences and make their choices, and I don't judge the people that don't requite the affection shown them. I just hurt for the people holding the affection, because it's such a desperate and vulnerable and lonely place to be. And the irony is that you are feeling those sick feelings because you are in possession of more affection than you have a place for. You could say you have too much of a good thing and it's bad.

I will say that if it's true that hope deferred makes the heart sick, that my heart has been sick since I was eleven or twelve. And if that's true, with all the goodness I have had, I look forward very much to what a well heart feels like.

future.

I have a problem.

I need a new job that hopefully utilizes my degree but doesn't require me to actually practice the specific field, where I can be around people without having to meet their every unnecessary need, and also a position that will challenge me, where I want to meet the challenge because the task at hand is connected enough to my value system that I care about the outcome. Any ideas?

When I search for jobs online, there are a lot of things that I think to myself, "I could do that". The second part of the thought is usually, "but I don't really want to". It's not that I don't want to work. I am not lazy, I don't think. I just don't want to go to a job everyday that I don't enjoy. And ultimately, I want to be a mother, so it's not like I am looking for a lifelong career. And eventually, I would like to go back to school, so if I was looking for a career, it would probably be found after the second bout of secondary education.

Maybe I should just go back to school and live off loans.

Or maybe I should stick my current job situation out for a few more months while enjoying my current living situation, and then teach English in a foreign country until I figure out what I want to do.

Or maybe I should go to pastry school.

Or culinary school.

Or just go to sleep and not wake up until a dream reveals to me what I should do. Right now, that option feels the most right. Yawn.

lines marked through.

I am clean.
Sheets are clean.
Bedroom is clean.
Living room is clean.
Floors are swept.
Kitchen is clean.
Laundry is done.
Work week is complete.

New To Do List:
Read.
Drink Calm Tea.
Listen to Cat Power.
Apply Origins Sleep Time on the Spot Gel.
Sleep.
Enjoy my Sunday, my day off.

To all of my task oriented friends that I have often made fun of, I concede that I must give you some credit. Perhaps your task oriented nature is something that drew me to you in the beginning, because it's something I wanted but didn't want to admit. And when I didn't have it, I made fun of you, to cover up what was missing from me.

I believe it will never be second nature. The nap will likely come first. But it does feel kinda good to get things done.