I talked to a friend last weekend about my troubles. Mainly my inability to be content with me on a regular basis. She went through some kind of intense spiritual equipping program a few years ago, and we dug out some of the notes she took during that period of her life. Much of it was truth I needed to hear. I thought it was worth sharing.
the wrong equation so many of us live by (especially including me):
what I do + my successes at what I do + what you think of what I do (how you rate my successes) = who I am
the right equation:
I am made in the image of God + I am loved uncausedly and unconditionally by God + I can respond to Him in obedience and know Him = who I am
This is the equation I am supposed to operate from.
"We have to have our identity based on the fact that we belong to and are loved by God. The reason you are loved has nothing to do with your efforts. You are loved by God because you exist" and inversely - you exist because you are loved by God..."Man was intended to have his identity in this love"
"The reason we feel inferior is because another outside voice entered the picture that wasn't God's and told us the lie that man is autonomous."
"We operate out of this lie and instead of choosing God we become ashamed of our belief in the lie and our failure to succeed in life. Instead of saying that the lie isn't true, we live in it, stuck in it. We try to make the lie work and believe it is true. Instead of choosing a new base for ourselves" - and opening ourselves up to God to help transform the lies into sustaining truth - "we try to improve upon it and make the lie base work. It never will. We will never be able to handle life independenlty from God." I don't completely agree with the last sentence. I think we can handle life. I just don't think we can thrive in life or find true contentment and joy in life apart from God. Who wants to just be able to handle life? That sounds pretty sucky to me.
I know some of this can seem pretty elementary and it's like, "duh, meredith," but seriously, I have known this for some time but have not been able to truly claim it. But all of the surface struggles I have in life are rooted in something bigger...the lie...and the fact that the daily struggles are rooted in something that isn't even true, and yet I still operate from...it makes me sick to my stomach. Identity is such a huge cornerstone to fulfillment and mine has been based on fine grains of sand sliding down a ginormous mountain that sits atop an enoumous fault line...seriously...I have got to get my priorities strait.
We also talked about how this happens, how we begin to base our identies on the stability of God, and stop believing the lie. Knowledge is not enough. I have had the knowledge for some time. A friend of my uncles that came into the law office the other day said that if you are a parent and you tell your child from an early age that black is white and white is black, they may grow up and find out the difference, and be corrected by a good hearted teacher, but they will always question it in their heads...as an adult, they will always look at black and wonder if it is indeed black, or if maybe it's white. I think that is a lot like this. I may be told the truth, but I still wonder. I think a lot of it is discipline, telling my brain to stop being negative when a worthless Meredith thought pops into my head. But I have to believe that part of it is opening my soul up to the Spirit of God and telling God that I believe Him and asking Him to work it out, that I trust Him to do it, that I believe He will do it, that I am worth enough for Hom to take the time to do it, and that I will be here for back-up...to try and buff some rough spots I encounter along the way.
I am off of work tomorrow. I really enjoy my job, especially the part where my schedule is not 8 to 5 and sometimes, I just have a thursday off. I like not viewing the week as this structured thing where I long for Saturday and Sunday...I like to think of it as an even playing field.
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