'we'll see', still, and good.

I am beginning to think there's no such thing as backwards in life. It's one of the things I have feared most. My view gets brighter at the thought of moving forward, moving, always headed ahead, not not not behind. The thing about change and nomadic tendencies is that you'll eventually get to a, "what's next," point in time. It's always a possibility, but a steady paying job accompanied by a lease and/or a mortgage makes it less likely, and more of an obstacle than an inevitability.

In my case, it's an inevitability.

A friend of mine told me on the telephone the other day that I don't need to be pushed, or nudged. I am capable of making decisions. I, rather, need a spark. Sparks are harder to come by than pushes. There's always pushy people to run to along the way, and pushy people usually like telling you what you should do. That's one of the things that make them pushy. Sparks are more elusive.

So when looking forward, all directions are a possibility. The person that's looking ahead is different than the person that was looking ahead months ago; pushing oneself into change makes that, too, an inevitability. The lens through which I see the world is now wider. Necessary routes to happiness have become more refined.

I've spent some time taking stock of things, and am ever aware of what I don't want. I don't want the suburbs. I don't want to be a server. I don't want to find my identity through what I do. I don't want artificial relationships. I don't want fail at trying. I don't want to work in an office pushing papers for a cause I don't care for. I don't want a big house. I don't want to stay anywhere out of default. I don't want to spend another summer suffering through caustic humidity. I don't want to be chained down by material things. I don't don't don't don't....

...want to be so focused on the don'ts that I miss the good that sometimes hangs out in their midst.

"What's next," doesn't have to be a source of stress. I don't have to have a practical answer to give people. I can view my fickle nature as a positive, and opposed to a wild fault that needs to be tamed. Backwards and reverse? That's the language of cars, trucks, and trains. Not so much life.