temporary exit.

I think one of my biggest life lessons will be learning how to let go of the need to be understood. Giving myself permission to be mis-undertsood is just so damn difficult. But misunderstanding is inevitable.

Sunday evening is a prime study night for me at a place called Vintage. Telling Mark what I would like to order is a fail nearly every time. He always misunderstands me. I think it's because I mumble sometimes, though, and I assume the hearing of others increases as my volume decreases. I say my preferred glass no less than twice each time. But this is helping me grasp that some things in life don't need to be mumbled.

It's this hesitation, this tendency to think of oneself as a bother or a burden, and from that, a failure to see the things you should be shouting...the things that bring you joy, and the things you take pride in. I WOULD LIKE A GLASS OF THE CHIANTI!

The shoutables for me are quintessential aspects of this, my last season in Tulsa. WINE! RUNNING! DANCING! A GOOD CONVERSATION WITH A DEAR FRIEND! And they are so needed now, more than every, actually. There are many thoughts and feelings swirling in my head that were foreign until now. Because of this, I am again seeing the scope of my world through a different set of spectacles. This makes me think of my roommate Melody, and her life-altering laser eye surgery that, well, altered her life. It left her thankful. The experiences in my life are bringing new thoughts and ideas to the forefront of my mind, and ultimately leaving me thankful.

After Melody's surgery, she had to stay in for a while. She also had to wear some of those uber-protective grandma-like sunglasses, and make sure nothing entered her delicate eyes. That's the place I find myself.

I want to stay in, outside of the gaze of unknown eyes. And so that's the culmination of this post, on the sixth day of May. It's going to be the only one for a while. Life is Journey, and this section of my journey is begging to exert some anonymity. As a hopeful writer, coming to terms with everyone and anyone reading the words you are willing to share at all times, it's necessary. I am not there yet, so I am putting a cap on the words I am willing to share.

But readers, if there are in fact readers out there, do not fret. Bon Iver wrote and recorded "For Emma Forever Ago" in a cabin by himself in the winter...cocooning himself from the gaze of others gave way to an amazing source of thoughts and outpouring of creativity. Wikepedia called it "a cathartic time of isolation". And yes, I am comparing myself to Bon Iver. I often have movie star famous moments.

Yesterday in Double Shot, I went in just to get an iced coffee. I didn't want anything else. It was hot, and the milky options were too heavy. "We're out," says Garth. I stand still for a bit, say my thanks, and begin to make my exit. A man nearby mumbles, "that's sad." I put my sun glasses on as I perfect my stride out the door, look at him, and say, "sometimes, life is just sad." I was sure everyone around was aware of my talent as an individual and a writer, and would be, in moments, retrieving pens and pencils and scrap pieces of paper for my autograph. I kept the stride in tact to avoid the commotion before it happened.

And now, I am going to escape the publish button. I will still be writing, maybe more now than ever. There's so many exciting things about to take place in my life, and stories that are worth some space on a page. And eventually, I'll put 'em up here, again. Until then.